"America'a Got Talent": Springer Style

2009-09-02T14:38:00.003-04:00

Ahh, we've got to love the idiosyncrasies of our media. One of the hit shows on NBC (hit for whom, I'm not exactly sure), "America's Got Talent" is going to now be a live show, with its host, Jerry Springer.

I didn't even know that Springer was the host of this show. I was all ready to write an article about how crazy, or hill-billy this show might turn out being. Instead of people dancing and doing back flips, women could now come on the show and recall all of the babies she had (and if Maury became a guest host, they could discuss how many fathers were involved). Mothers and daughters could come on the show with husbands and boyfriends and brothers and show how strong they are by running around and trying to beat each other up for cheating on each other with another member of their family.

But I digress. Apparently the "news" of this topic is that Springer is coming back to host the show live. Maybe he will bring his bouncer back so that he can have the type of guests he was used to having.

FAVRE IS CRACKED UP... AND HAS A CRACKED RIB

2009-08-31T21:03:00.000-04:00

Favre loves the media spotlight so much, that he has informed us all that he has a cracked rib. Now, not only is he the starting quarterback for the Minnesota Vikings, but he is also his own doctor.

On ESPN, or should I say, TFN (The Favre Network), Favre said, "he hasn’t received an official diagnosis but that taking a deep breath caused him some discomfort."

Maybe those are just guilt pains from being such a drama queen. But I doubt it. Maybe it's because you are ancient and keep coming back to play football. There are a many linebackers and other 300 pounders in the NFL who are hoping to chance that "cracked rib" into something broken or shattered. There might even be some players on his own team who feel that way.

Honestly, I think that Favre is so consumed with being in the spotlight that he might have made this up. Who knows what is going through this guy's mind, surely I don't. But according to the article, no one on the team knew about this cracked rib and he wasn't on the injury list either. So either Favre wanted the attention, or maybe ESPN (TFN) had nothing to report on and slipped him a few extra bucks to make some more ruckus.

P.S. going along with the rest of the posts I have been doing recently, I have added a video clip for your enjoyment. Funny, yet tedious, but then again, so is Favre.

Recent lack of posts...

2009-05-11T15:26:00.005-04:00

I've been relatively busy lately, but haven't forgotten about The Unsound Mind. There will be more posts in the near future!

Out of all the things I've been up to, one certainly seems to stand out. The most recent "new" food I've tried:

Garbage plates! Mmmm. If only I can learn how to eat mac salad without condiments now...

When Stupid People Get Hurt

2009-04-12T15:40:00.004-04:00

I'm sure in time this story will appear on one of the many "When stupid people do stuff" shows.

A woman jumped a fence of the Polar Bear section of a Berlin zoo, during feeding time.

A couple of things should strike you right away by looking at that sentence. 1: jumped a fence. 2: feeding time. I'm wondering if this woman was trying an unusual way of suicide. Unlucky for her (if that was her original goal) because she has survived, though in critical condition. The unidentified woman was bitten "several times" by a polar bear, and jumped into the moat to get away from the carnivorous beasts. Rescue workers eventually got her out, but the woman continued to be attacked as they tried to get her out of the water.

Who in their right mind would do this? I mean, she might have watched a lot of Animal Planet shows where people help polar bear cubs grow up and they get attached, but none of those people were stupid enough to jump a fence. They still have no idea why she jumped the fence in the first place. If you are a really morbid and inhumane being, you can go here to actually watch the video of this woman getting attacked. You can let me know how that played out.

Tofu Taboo! ... or, Tofu Snafu! ... F-U Tofu? - Shrug

2009-04-09T18:09:00.006-04:00

As if this hasn't already received enough media attention, but I just can't help myself. A Colorodo vegan, Kelly Coffman-Lee, wanted to show off how much she loved tofu on her gas-guzzling SUV.

She put in a request for a license plate that would read "ILVTOFU," which was to read as "I love tofu." While this is all well and good in theory, on paper it just didn't "sit well" with the Department of Motor Vehicles. They felt as though the letters could be interpreted as inappropriate or profane. I can't say I disagree, since when I first saw the image, I saw "I LV TO FU" before I saw "I LV TOFU."

A shame it was denied, though. Those stuck in traffic behind her will have a bit less to laugh about.

I wish I had more witty things to say about it, but the story in itself just blows me away.

Madden Cover to be Shared?

2009-04-09T10:54:00.002-04:00

Normally, I could care less about something like this, unless a Buffalo Bills player was put on the cover of the new Madden NFL video game. Everyone believes that there's some curse that goes along with being on this cover, and I don't doubt it. Though, then again, it may just be a "curse" set on the public's mind because they now will pay more attention to that player. Anyway, I care because the article about it at MJD's Shutdown Corner is hysterical.

The two who are supposedly going to share the cover of the new Madden game are (drum roll please) Larry Fitzgerald and Troy Polamalu. According to this article at Yahoo! Sports, "It would mark the first time that the two have shared a cover since they appeared together on the October 2007 cover of 'We Wear Our Hair Like Pretty Girls Monthly.'" Furthermore, "And it would all play very nicely into the hot new feature in Madden this year, 'Let's Brush Each Other's Hair Mode.'"

But enough with the hair jokes. It's sad that there really isn't much going on in the football news that I chose this story to report on. But a lot of people talk about the Madden curse, so why not. I was thinking, maybe there should be a vote for who should be on the cover of Madden. I mean, why not vote for the most popular bad guy in football? It would be one non-violent way to hope that someone goes down to the Madden curse. Why, I'll even begin and nominate Tom Brady to be on the cover of this year's Madden. Gisele can be on it too, I'm sure they could give her some fashionable Patriot's outfit. Or should could be a cheerleader in the background. Either way, it would be nice to get Brady wiped out for another entire season. But getting back to the point, I'm sure there are a lot of fans who, when they find out about their star player being on the cover of Madden, A: freak out, and B: buy the game. It would be even funnier if NFL players were the only ones allowed to vote for the person who makes the cover. Then we'd really see who hates who. The Madden player of the year could actually be Madden's bitch... (i.e. picture... sorry Pat). Maybe Madden reveals the poster child for injury and shame. Or maybe the shame is for the people who spend all their time playing the game...

"Baby Come Back!"

2009-04-01T14:59:00.010-04:00

Who doesn't love the catchy tunes and quirky humor of the most recent Swiffer commercials? I've enjoyed each and every one so far, but there's one thing present in each of them that ticks me off a little...

Watch the video below, but pause it at around 22-23 seconds in:

Now press play and watch very closely to the left side. Particularly at the bucket of water and the method of mopping. It's only there for about three seconds, so watch it more than once if you need.

Whether or not I think the Swiffer WetJet is a fine product (I own one, so I clearly like it), I can't help but feel that perhaps the poor mop is not at fault in the commercial. I firmly believe that had she not started with a bucket of foamy dirty water, the floor wouldn't be so filthy. Mopping with dirty water is a sure-fire way of making the floor even dirtier. Next, she must have missed the memo on how to properly use the mop, particularly on how to use the mechanism to drain the head of the mop of most of the water BEFORE attacking the floor with it. The mop doesn't have the device on it for aesthetic purposes, use it! If you're washing down a table with a rag, do you wring it out before you do so, or do you soak it up with dirty water and then slop the rag all over the table? It's one thing if your product doesn't work, it's another if you're just an idiot. If that's how you clean with a mop, forget the Swiffer, and hire someone else to clean. You've failed.

If you do make the move to a Swiffer WetJet, I recommend you make an appointment with a psychologist if your old mop begins stalking you. I'm sure there's a drug for that... or an institute. I'd still like to know how it made the phone calls for the flowers and candy-gram, though.

And yes, it was incredibly hard to avoid an April Fools post, and to avoid the whole ShamWow-hooker shenanigans, but I won't sink that low. I'm better than that.

I lied. ShamPow!

Bye Bye Bernie

2009-03-11T16:12:00.005-04:00

Continuing with the jail theme here on the Unsound Mind...

Well, apparently it's official: Madoff is going to plead guilty (FINALLY) and he could be facing up to 150 years in jail. This comes after Madoff's lawyer said that Madoff planned to plead guilty without a plea deal. Damn straight he doesn't get a plea deal! What would he need a plea deal for? I thought he worked by himself to rip off everyone and their mother, who would he tell on? Himself? There are people that want him dead right now, forget about going to jail. Maybe he's ready to plead guilty to get out of danger's way... at least those threatening him with his life.

You know what I think judges should do just to piss off scumbags like Madoff? When it's time for sentencing, and it's obvious that these people are guilty, the judge should just tell Madoff that his prison sentence will end one day after his death.

I think that would be absolutely great. I mean 150 years sounds good too, but the man is already old, I'm not sure he has 20 years left, especially once he gets to jail. So the judge should just be able to proclaim: "you are eligible for parole the day after you die." It keeps it short and sweet and really get under the convicted person's skin.

That's just my thought on this whole prison thing. If you want to read more, visit here.

But I have another idea. To save money, maybe all of these convicted felons should be shipped off to Antarctica and left there. No over crowding in jails, no overspending of tax payers' money, etc. Just keep the dangerous ones until the last shipment because we all saw what happened in Con Air and that would just totally suck if that happened again.

Anyway, bye bye Bernie!

How many crimes can YOU commit at once?

2009-03-08T19:41:00.010-04:00

After being pulled over for speeding, an 18-year-old from Louisiana was found to not be wearing his seat belt. When the officers ran his license, it was suspended. However, it doesn't end there. Next, the officers found a "marijuana cigarette," which gave them even more of an incentive to continue investigating. After looking through the rest of the car, they found $27,000 worth of stolen goods. And all of this took place in a stolen vehicle. What's worse? He had a passenger. A dog. Which was also stolen.

And somehow the news story ends with, "Detectives were unsure if the suspect remained in jail Friday." Really? I wish I could commit that many crimes and not spend the night in jail.

So, how many crimes can YOU commit at once? This guy is a murder and a rape short of epic.

And no, there's no single picture that could do this justice (pun!), so I'll give you a picture of handcuffs. And not the kinky fun ones. Although, what handcuffs aren't kinky and fun?

You can find the full story here.

Best Picture/Headline Combo

2009-03-04T19:04:00.008-05:00

The picture to the right accompanied the Headline:

"Why some women go back to their abusers"

This is just priceless.

P.S. I'm not going to write about this whole drama debacle because they are young and obviously stupid. Yes, both of these "stars" are stupid. Wanna know why? Because they are young, rich, famous, and probably have everything they need, so they don't need to start the drama. If Chris Brown is really abusive, then someone better snap him out of it or he's going to be belting out ballads from jail. And if Rihanna is going to take that type of crap and she's eventually going to be singing her pop chart hits in the hospital. This is just an over-glamorized couple dealing with abuse. And by her publicly "taking" him back, or whatever the case may be, she is showing all her fans, which include many young girls with impressionable minds, that it's okay for your boyfriend to abuse you.

That is not right at all. Maybe you should sing about how it's not alright, instead of being in disturbia.

Leave Octomom Alone!

2009-02-19T16:01:00.004-05:00

Kidding. Please don't. We could, however, do without the consistent death threats.

Thousands upon thousands of threats have been sent directly to Nadya Suleman ("Octomom"), her now 14 children, her doctor, and her volunteer PR representative via phone calls/voicemails, e-mails, and letters.

While I don't mind antagonizing quite possibly the worst mom on the planet, and definitely don't mind others publically doing the same, I don't fully understand the death threats. I can understand the anger stemming from the events, because I'm angry too, but how will killing the single mother benefit the kids? The doctor was just doing his job (albeit a bit poorly), the PR representative is just assisting her through the media (she was not being paid, and has since resigned), and the kids haven't done anything wrong, so threatening them is just outrageous. While yes, we're all raising them with our tax dollars at this point, we'd be doing it indefinitely if you kill Octomom and put the 14 children into foster care. In my opinion, it's better to have a crazy lady as a mom than no mom at all.

Yeah, she's a terrible American, and I'm embarassed she's a citizen here, but you're all idiots. We should start sending you death threats, instead.

Blame Canada

2009-02-12T19:35:00.005-05:00

So what do Americans do when something goes wrong? We blame Canada.

Poor Canada. How can Americans stay in America when we have Canada to the north? If their weather wasn't so frigidly cold, I would move up there. Free health care and no Republicans. Sounds pretty damn good to me.

Anyway, to get back on track, America has yet again blamed Canada for another incident that happened on our shores.

Everyone knows about Flight 1549. It's almost the same as TWA Flight 800, except the end result is much different. The plane that landed in the Hudson River between York City and New Jersey could not make it to any airports because a flock of birds took out an engine, or both engines, depending on who you talk to.

So what type of birds were they? None other than Canadian Geese.

(Full story here)

Nay Sayer No More

2009-02-09T10:23:00.003-05:00

The German Chancellor gets it. Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone gets it. Even some of the archbishops get it. But the Pope doesn't get it.

In the last couple of weeks, the Catholic Church has been having its own little drama escapades with the Pope. The German Pope, Pope Benedict, allowed a Holocaust denier back into his posse at the Vatican. Uproar did in fact arise after this idiotic welcome back party ensued with big hats and even bigger imbeciles.

So the German Chancellor, Angela Merkel, basically called the Pope and said, in so many words, that enough was enough and to kick the old man out already. However, Pope Benedict decided to stay with his decision of letting Bishop Richard Williamson stay, even though he's obviously mentally inadequate. I mean, he flat out denies that over 6 million Jews were killed in the Holocaust. He stated,

"believe that the historical evidence is strongly against -- is hugely against -- 6 million Jews having been deliberately gassed in gas chambers as a deliberate policy of Adolf Hitler," Williamson said recently in an interview with a Swedish television station, which also appeared on various Web sites after its broadcast. "I believe there were no gas chambers."

He went on to say this: "If I find this proof, then I will correct myself," he said. "But that will require some time."

Okay so there are a couple of things in these statements that I have beef with. For example, numero uno: why would so many people believe that all these Jews died at the hands of Adolf Hitler if it didn't happen? Deniers versus believers is a very drastic number. Does he think Jews made it up? Did a group of Jews from Germany get together and say, "Oh you know what we should do this year? We should totally fake out the world by saying a whole bunch of us died because that schmuck Hitler was an evil bastard. Meanwhile, we'll hide everyone out in Russia." No. I don' think so.

Second, his statement about finding proof. A.) He will never correct himself because he doesn't want to. B.) What MORE does he want? Hey Bishop? Got off your lazy ass and go to Auschwitz. I think that's enough proof for you. Or check out some of the photos that were taken by Allies when they reached concentration camps. There is, believe it or not, some gas chambers there. So unless you would prefer a time machine so you can go back into time and witness this massacre personally, it's not going to take any time at all.

So the good news is, after all of this, the Vatican wants him to recant or go away quietly. Pope Benedict hasn't actually been the leader of this movement, but I think there are enough bishops and archbishops and whoever else lives there that doesn't want bad publicity, and might actually think that Williamson is a scumbag.

What is interesting is that this Bishop lived in Argentina (a place where Nazi's ran to in order to bypass punishment) and that the Pope was in a Nazi group as a child. I don't care how many people tell me that he was not in this group willingly, something rubbed off on him. And I'm not going to change my mind until I find some proof. And that will require some time.

I Emphallically... er, Emphatically Present:

2009-02-07T02:33:00.012-05:00

The Kay Jewelers Open Hearts collection by Jane Seymour! I've been seeing commercials for this for quite awhile, and while it struck me from the very beginning, I now can't focus on anyting else in the commercial. Many women likely think it's a cute design, with two open hearts facing away from each other. It truly would be, though, if it weren't for one beging noticably smaller than the other, leading to an undoubtedly phallic design.

An unnoticed design flaw? Perhaps. An unintentionally humorous commercial? Absolutely.

As quoted by Jane Seymour, "I wanted to create this collection of iconic jewelry that would be available at popular price points, so everyone could enjoy. And by partnering with Kay, my collection is accessible to everyone, nationwide." (Oh, the ways I could manipulate that sentence...)

So, if you've always dreamed of spending up to $1,500.00 to drape a diamond-laden phallus around your neck, and down your chest, then head over to Kay Jewelers.

And you can thank me later for sparing the indefinite amount of sexual puns I could have tossed into this.

To further explain, here is the original design:

Here's what my mind interprets:

Yay microsoft paint! Hope that explains it better.

Weed and Football: America's Greatest Pastimes

2009-02-05T21:14:00.003-05:00

Yep. You read that right. Though this will be a short post (or will try to be anyway), the main topic is about an NFL player and weed, marijuana, whatever you want to call it. Apparently the Oakland Raiders' running back Justin Fargas let some rapper rap about weed at his house. In a music video. That Fargas had a guest appearance in.

According the rapper himself, Yukmouth (which, wtf kind of name is that?) attested that Fargas "doesn't get down," apparently meaning that the Raiders' running back doesn't use weed. I find that hard to believe that this NFL player doesn't use the product, yet he would let his house be the location of a weed-infested music video with a rapper who apparently only raps about this illegal product and how much he loves it. That's right, for those of you who don't actually know, being in possession of marijuana is illegal. So if I was Fargas, and I wasn't "down" with weed, I wouldn't let people stage an entire weed music video in my house. Or guest star in it either.

Maybe this is just what the Raiders need. Maybe Mary J will help the team win a few extra games. Probably not but whatever they are doing now isn't helping very much. Or maybe it's because Yukmouth is rapping about weed at Fargas' house that the Raiders aren't doing very well.

The best part about this whole story (which can be found here) is one of the comments that was made by a fellow reader. This is what he says:

"How come they picked Justin Fargas? Ricky Williams wasn't available?"

Priceless.

Six Kids Plus Octuplets Equals... Holy @#%!

2009-01-30T11:57:00.005-05:00

So the latest "big" news in the U.S. that isn't bad news (although if I was the mother I would consider it terrible news), is the woman in California who gave birth to Octuplets, the highest number of babies to be born alive in the United States. That's one record I will not be trying to set in the future. For those of you who do not know what that means, this woman recently gave birth to eight kids at the same time. Horrific, I know.

But that isn't the most horrific part of the story. If she was a new mom, who was trying to get pregnant for the love of children, I would say "Aww, well now she has enough to start her own television show." But she's not. The mother of the Octuplets has six children already. SIX. So let's do the math together... SIX plus eight equals... 14 children. FOURTEEN!!! She almost has enough kids to have her own classroom. I'm wondering if she's part of a polygamy group, but if she was, she wouldn't be allowed to be in the spotlight, or some crazy thing like that. It's just unbelievable! Will she and her husband be able to care for all 14? That's what I want to know. It's great that they all survived up to this point, but will they have a good life?

In many states, there are limits as to how many pets you can own in one house (I know, I watch a lot of Animal Cops). So shouldn't that rule be in affect for human beings as well? You would have to live in a mansion to have enough room for all of these children, especially when they grow up. Hell, you have to live in a mansion just for eight kids to have enough space for themselves!

The most incredulous part of this story was that the mother of SIX children began going to a fertility clinic for help and received fertility treatment. OBVIOUSLY, lady, you had no trouble at all in conceiving! COUNT YOUR KIDS! There are people in this country who cannot conceive any children; boy you must feel great that you are a baby making machine. You better get a show on television and exploit your children fast; John and Kate Plus 8 have nothing on you...

Shoe Thrown At Bush Gets Its Own Monument

2009-01-30T11:50:00.004-05:00

This isn't a joke, but this article at cnn.com is quite hilarious.

So apparently the only good thing Bush was good at was ducking shoes. But even this shoe is having its own monument... I haven't heard of any Bush monuments. So its safe to say that the shoe was more beloved than Bush.

Anyway, I don't really have to write much about this since the title and picture just give it all away. The only thing I will comment on is this line: "Orphans who helped build shoe 'were the victims of Bush's war.'" This monument is now standing outside of an orphanage. Oh, and it cost about $5,000. Not that I know much about the goings-on in Iraq, except that they really don't want us there to tell them how to live, I would think that the money could be spent on something more important, such as maybe the orphanage, or the orphans themselves.

Tokyo's Fighting Fire With Fire! Oh, wait...

2009-01-29T21:23:00.005-05:00

"TOKYO (Reuters) - A blaze broke out at a fire station in Japan this week after a firefighter left a cooking stove burning as crew members left the station to respond to emergency calls." - 1/29/09; (Full Story).

Is it like rain on your wedding day? Is it a free ride, when you've already paid? Is it the good advice you just didn't take? Nope, it's actual irony.

You'd think that the ones who fight fire would likely be the ones best at preventing it. While I don't personally believe that this story should warrant a laugh, nothing quite beats true irony.

When Alanis Morisette fails, Tokyo succeeds. Isn't it ironic... don't you think?

[At this time, Uhgii bursts out into song and dance.]

Over Dramatics about Spiraling Economy

2009-01-28T14:38:00.005-05:00

I understand that the United States' economy is falling apart at its seams. Thousands are losing their jobs, the stock market is dropping every day, yadda yadda yadda. I know that this sounds very inconsiderate, or maybe just downright cruel, but I really believe that all of the hype about which direction the economy will be moving in is making everything worse. When people predict that we are going to go into a depression, and other experts explaining that people will lose their jobs, I'm sure they have some relevant research to prove all of this, but I really think it's just freaking out corporate America and they are trying to save themselves from economic destruction (cue the dramatic music).

I do sympathize for blue collar Americans, those who work in factories, or some semi-dead end job, and then are fired because their bosses or companies are afraid they are going to lose too much money (not enough in your pockets?) A lot of hard working people are getting fired over all of this hoopla that I think could be semi-avoided if people on CNN or wherever would just shut up about how bad the future is going to be to freak out employers, as well as the working people.

However, I do not sympathize for people like Amber Easton, who are making headlines in the same places where the hue and cry is coming from. Amber used to make $80,000 dollars are year at some hoity toity job. But now, since the economy is just crumbling around everyone's feet, she is now forced to wait in line at job fairs.

This is not like the average worker in America, who makes well less than $80,000, and are waiting on lines at job fairs and unemployment agencies to live. Amber Easton made $80,000 a year. I'm going to keep repeating it until it hits you the way it hit me. $80,000 a year. Did you get it yet? What happened to all of that money? According to the article, Amber went back to school to see if she wanted to become a career changer. Maybe that would be understandable if you didn't like your job, but I think that for $80,000 a year, unless they were overworking me to death, I would learn to like it. Okay, so paying for school does cost money, but if she was working for multiple years at this place, making $80,000 a year, where the !#@%#$ did the rest of the money go?

This economy is shutting down because people like Amber Easton, who live in the moment, don't save any friggin' money! I'm unsympathetic to people who end up on CNN or any other news outlet that once had a great 5, 6 figure salary and now have to stand in line at a job fair with "regular" workers. If you had planned a little bit for the future, and I'm not talking about kids and college, then wouldn't you have put some money aside? A little rainy day money? I was trying to save half of what I earned at my dinky 15 dollars and hour job, which I too was laid off from. I managed to save a good deal; so why can't these rich people figure it out? If I saved half of Amber's preexisting salary, $40,000 is not bad at all to be living off of.

I guess the bottom line is that people are freaking out over the economy, and news outlets everywhere are feeding this fear with crap news stories like this one. Watch out! You could be rich and this could happen to you! Maybe if you were stupid about your money it would. Until it happens to me, I'm not changing my attitude about this one.

Watch Out Flava Flav, T.O. is Coming to Town!

2009-01-27T12:16:00.001-05:00

In the era of Reality Television, we have encountered countless shows with a variety of characters: Flava Flav; 7-drama filled adults in some snazzy house; horrible singers, dancers; couples, friends who become enemies while racing around the world; people getting fired; swapping wives, babies, husbands, children, you name it; Tia Tequila, the list goes on and on. But now you can add another name to this list: Terrell Owens.

When I think of reality TV, I don't necessarily thing of sports. However, I did catch an episode on what it's like to be a Dallas Cheerleader. Not that interesting and it drained brain cells more rapidly than the other shows do. Going along with this Dallas Cowboys theme, T.O. is going to get his very own reality show. The show, "The Terrell Owens Project" will be aired on VH1. But of course. What other television network brings you Rock of Love and I Love New York both of which should never been witnessed by and human being living about the Mason-Dixon line (Yes, I know that "New York" is from Syracuse, NY, although many are trying to forget it).

So I'm wondering, is this "Project" show going to be like real life. The papers and sports websites, blogs, journals, magazines, etc etc already capture the crazy antics of this egomaniac football "superstar." We've already seen him cry, yell, do crazy antics on the field (like the one ripping Belichick for spying on other teams- which was pretty awesome), fight, scream, and brag about how amazing he is. What else could he possibly do that would make him even more entertaining? Are they going to get him all hot and bothered and let him loose in an elementary school?

All that I can say is that although this is a horrible idea for a television show, most of the stuff on television already is pretty crummy, so it'll fit right in. However, I must admit I am a little intrigued to take a peek at this show and see if T.O. can make an even bigger ass of himself than he does during the football season.

TV, TV, Everywhere

2009-01-25T17:47:00.006-05:00

I have not seen a gas station in a while, seeing as though I live in the city. Over the weekend I ventured to Long Island and of course there I was bombarded with gas stations almost on every corner. This short opinion piece isn't on the number of gas stations their are in Long Island. Honestly, there really isn't any interesting news about that except that prices are climbing once again. However, to me, having the price in gas climb to $1.90 seems nice compared to the 3.45 that I used to dish out at gas stations when I lived upstate, and when I actually had a car.

No the real meat of this post is what I saw at one of these gas stations on Long Island. As we were driving to our destination, I noticed two people pumping their gas at a corner gas station. All was well with the world until I noticed that both customers were looking up. Interesting, I thought, maybe there is something above them that is piquing their interest, or both men have similar thought processes of where to look when pumping gas. I followed their gaze and noticed a television screen above one of the men pumping gas.

This probably isn't a new phenomenon. This just happens to be the first time I ever noticed it. I just can't believe that gas stations would put in television screens at their own expense, unless all they do is run commercials about products they sell inside. That seems like a good idea to get the customers to buy more through subliminal messages, or whatever you want to call it. But are we Americans so dull minded and incogitant that we have to be entertained every second of every day? How long does filling up a tank of gas take, a couple minutes? Even if you own a Hummer, which is beyond stupidity in itself, can people not form thoughts long enough before they finish with the minor activity? When in the shower do people need to be entertained with televisions in case they actually have the capability to think? I know that they added television screens to refrigerators, which is almost just as ridiculous. I can understand "slaving" in the kitchen can suck, but how can you cook/prepare food and watch television at the same time? Is it really necessary?

What is our human race coming to? I'm taking bets on how long it takes to equip cars with television screens for the drivers. (And God forbid a kid can read or do something else besides watch television in the car, too).

Donovan McNabb Always Has The Last Laugh

2009-01-22T20:06:00.002-05:00

Yes, the Philadelphia Eagles lost to the Arizona Cardinals. No, it was not a dream. But this article isn't about the game that took place last Sunday, although it involved a Quarterback and two unruly (and unintelligent) fans.

Apparently 2 Arizona Cardinal fans had too much fun with McNabb's house in Arizona. Not once, not twice, but three times, these two idiots vandalized McNabb's house, trying to be "funny." Well, maybe not funny, but McNabb thought the joke was somewhat funny, until it went too far. The first prank was leaving an Arizona Cardinal's flag in a tree on Donovan McNabb's property. Apparently McNabb thought it was pretty funny, and he even left it in his tree. The second prank was when the two Stooges came back to McNabb's residence, leaving a cardboard box that said "Go Cards" and "Beat Philly." At this point I'm sure McNabb was probably hoping he could back his car out onto these two persistent jerks.

It was the final prank that did them in. Well actually, it was the second. Let me explain: the third prank involved these two Cards fans to burn phrases into McNabb's lawn. Phrases such as "Go Cards", "Go Kurt", and "I <3 AZ" were all burnt into the grass. At this point, these pranks are going too far into property damage. I know that McNabb seems like a nice guy, especially for putting up with 3 pranks instead of blowing steam at the first one, but enough is enough. That and I doubt these two pranksters would be able to take McNabb, I don't doubt his physical toughness. Anyway, these 2 Cards fans might not have been found if it hadn't been for the cardboard box that they left during the second prank, which had one of the pranksters full names and full address on it. Smart. Very Arizona-like. To quote the Sergeant, Joe Favazzo, who worked on the case, he said they “did about a five-second investigation," until the full name and addressed were found. Once they found the first Cards fan, the second one came out into the open as well. Both pranksters are now arrested, and good riddance.

It seems as though Donovan McNabb had the last laugh.

Breaking and entering... a blow up doll?!

2009-01-21T13:45:00.006-05:00

Australia has some interesting people down under. For example, take the 23-year-old horn-dog who apparently broke into a sex shop, took multiple blowup dolls out back, banged them, and left them out in the alley behind the store. "Jungle Jane" as the blow up doll is referred to, is the only part of the Laneway Adult Shop that was tampered with.

The most bizarre part of this whole story is that after he was done, he would clean up the shop so that it looked fine; it was only "Jungle Jane" who received the brunt of the criminal acts.

Look, if you are really THAT desperate to have sex, where you have to break into an adult shop and bang a blow up doll out back, there are some mental issues going on. Or hormone issues that should be checked out ASAP. One thing that could mediate this situation is, oh you know, BUYING one of those "Jungle Jane"s. That would get rid of the hassle of breaking and entering. Or, if you really don't want a blow up doll, but what the thrill of hooking up with a brainless bimbo, move to the United States. You could move into Hollywood, I'm sure one of those tabloid bimbos would be glad to help you out, if only for some more spotlight time.

As the shopkeeper said, "It is totally bizarre."

I couldn't have said it better myself.

The 44th President of the United States!!!! Barack Obama!!

2009-01-20T14:05:00.004-05:00

A picture is definitely worth a thousand words, if not more.

President Barack Obama's Speech:
My fellow citizens:

I stand here today humbled by the task before us, grateful for the trust you have bestowed, mindful of the sacrifices borne by our ancestors. I thank President Bush for his service to our nation, as well as the generosity and cooperation he has shown throughout this transition.

Forty-four Americans have now taken the presidential oath. The words have been spoken during rising tides of prosperity and the still waters of peace. Yet, every so often, the oath is taken amidst gathering clouds and raging storms. At these moments, America has carried on not simply because of the skill or vision of those in high office, but because We the People have remained faithful to the ideals of our forebearers, and true to our founding documents.

So it has been. So it must be with this generation of Americans.

That we are in the midst of crisis is now well understood. Our nation is at war, against a far-reaching network of violence and hatred. Our economy is badly weakened, a consequence of greed and irresponsibility on the part of some, but also our collective failure to make hard choices and prepare the nation for a new age. Homes have been lost; jobs shed; businesses shuttered. Our health care is too costly; our schools fail too many; and each day brings further evidence that the ways we use energy strengthen our adversaries and threaten our planet.

These are the indicators of crisis, subject to data and statistics. Less measurable but no less profound is a sapping of confidence across our land -- a nagging fear that America's decline is inevitable, and that the next generation must lower its sights.

Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real. They are serious and they are many. They will not be met easily or in a short span of time. But know this, America: They will be met.

On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord.

On this day, we come to proclaim an end to the petty grievances and false promises, the recriminations and worn-out dogmas, that for far too long have strangled our politics.

We remain a young nation, but in the words of Scripture, the time has come to set aside childish things. The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit; to choose our better history; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: the God-given promise that all are equal, all are free, and all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness.

In reaffirming the greatness of our nation, we understand that greatness is never a given. It must be earned. Our journey has never been one of shortcuts or settling for less. It has not been the path for the fainthearted -- for those who prefer leisure over work, or seek only the pleasures of riches and fame. Rather, it has been the risk-takers, the doers, the makers of things -- some celebrated, but more often men and women obscure in their labor -- who have carried us up the long, rugged path toward prosperity and freedom.

For us, they packed up their few worldly possessions and traveled across oceans in search of a new life.

For us, they toiled in sweatshops and settled the West; endured the lash of the whip and plowed the hard earth.

For us, they fought and died, in places like Concord and Gettysburg; Normandy and Khe Sahn.

Time and again, these men and women struggled and sacrificed and worked till their hands were raw so that we might live a better life. They saw America as bigger than the sum of our individual ambitions; greater than all the differences of birth or wealth or faction.

This is the journey we continue today. We remain the most prosperous, powerful nation on Earth. Our workers are no less productive than when this crisis began. Our minds are no less inventive, our goods and services no less needed than they were last week or last month or last year. Our capacity remains undiminished. But our time of standing pat, of protecting narrow interests and putting off unpleasant decisions -- that time has surely passed. Starting today, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin again the work of remaking America.

For everywhere we look, there is work to be done. The state of the economy calls for action, bold and swift, and we will act -- not only to create new jobs, but to lay a new foundation for growth. We will build the roads and bridges, the electric grids and digital lines that feed our commerce and bind us together. We will restore science to its rightful place, and wield technology's wonders to raise health care's quality and lower its cost. We will harness the sun and the winds and the soil to fuel our cars and run our factories. And we will transform our schools and colleges and universities to meet the demands of a new age. All this we can do. And all this we will do.

Now, there are some who question the scale of our ambitions -- who suggest that our system cannot tolerate too many big plans. Their memories are short. For they have forgotten what this country has already done; what free men and women can achieve when imagination is joined to common purpose, and necessity to courage.

What the cynics fail to understand is that the ground has shifted beneath them -- that the stale political arguments that have consumed us for so long no longer apply. The question we ask today is not whether our government is too big or too small, but whether it works -- whether it helps families find jobs at a decent wage, care they can afford, a retirement that is dignified. Where the answer is yes, we intend to move forward. Where the answer is no, programs will end. And those of us who manage the public's dollars will be held to account -- to spend wisely, reform bad habits, and do our business in the light of day -- because only then can we restore the vital trust between a people and their government.

Nor is the question before us whether the market is a force for good or ill. Its power to generate wealth and expand freedom is unmatched, but this crisis has reminded us that without a watchful eye, the market can spin out of control -- and that a nation cannot prosper long when it favors only the prosperous. The success of our economy has always depended not just on the size of our gross domestic product, but on the reach of our prosperity; on our ability to extend opportunity to every willing heart -- not out of charity, but because it is the surest route to our common good.

As for our common defense, we reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals. Our Founding Fathers, faced with perils we can scarcely imagine, drafted a charter to assure the rule of law and the rights of man, a charter expanded by the blood of generations. Those ideals still light the world, and we will not give them up for expedience's sake. And so to all other peoples and governments who are watching today, from the grandest capitals to the small village where my father was born: Know that America is a friend of each nation and every man, woman and child who seeks a future of peace and dignity, and that we are ready to lead once more.

Recall that earlier generations faced down fascism and communism not just with missiles and tanks, but with sturdy alliances and enduring convictions. They understood that our power alone cannot protect us, nor does it entitle us to do as we please. Instead, they knew that our power grows through its prudent use; our security emanates from the justness of our cause, the force of our example, the tempering qualities of humility and restraint.

We are the keepers of this legacy. Guided by these principles once more, we can meet those new threats that demand even greater effort -- even greater cooperation and understanding between nations. We will begin to responsibly leave Iraq to its people, and forge a hard-earned peace in Afghanistan. With old friends and former foes, we will work tirelessly to lessen the nuclear threat, and roll back the specter of a warming planet. We will not apologize for our way of life, nor will we waver in its defense, and for those who seek to advance their aims by inducing terror and slaughtering innocents, we say to you now that our spirit is stronger and cannot be broken; you cannot outlast us, and we will defeat you.

For we know that our patchwork heritage is a strength, not a weakness. We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus -- and nonbelievers. We are shaped by every language and culture, drawn from every end of this Earth; and because we have tasted the bitter swill of civil war and segregation, and emerged from that dark chapter stronger and more united, we cannot help but believe that the old hatreds shall someday pass; that the lines of tribe shall soon dissolve; that as the world grows smaller, our common humanity shall reveal itself; and that America must play its role in ushering in a new era of peace.

To the Muslim world, we seek a new way forward, based on mutual interest and mutual respect. To those leaders around the globe who seek to sow conflict, or blame their society's ills on the West: Know that your people will judge you on what you can build, not what you destroy. To those who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent, know that you are on the wrong side of history; but that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist.

To the people of poor nations, we pledge to work alongside you to make your farms flourish and let clean waters flow; to nourish starved bodies and feed hungry minds. And to those nations like ours that enjoy relative plenty, we say we can no longer afford indifference to suffering outside our borders; nor can we consume the world's resources without regard to effect. For the world has changed, and we must change with it.

As we consider the road that unfolds before us, we remember with humble gratitude those brave Americans who, at this very hour, patrol far-off deserts and distant mountains. They have something to tell us today, just as the fallen heroes who lie in Arlington whisper through the ages. We honor them not only because they are guardians of our liberty, but because they embody the spirit of service; a willingness to find meaning in something greater than themselves. And yet, at this moment -- a moment that will define a generation -- it is precisely this spirit that must inhabit us all.

For as much as government can do and must do, it is ultimately the faith and determination of the American people upon which this nation relies. It is the kindness to take in a stranger when the levees break, the selflessness of workers who would rather cut their hours than see a friend lose their job which sees us through our darkest hours. It is the firefighter's courage to storm a stairway filled with smoke, but also a parent's willingness to nurture a child, that finally decides our fate.

Our challenges may be new. The instruments with which we meet them may be new. But those values upon which our success depends -- hard work and honesty, courage and fair play, tolerance and curiosity, loyalty and patriotism -- these things are old. These things are true. They have been the quiet force of progress throughout our history. What is demanded then is a return to these truths. What is required of us now is a new era of responsibility -- a recognition, on the part of every American, that we have duties to ourselves, our nation and the world; duties that we do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task.

This is the price and the promise of citizenship.

This is the source of our confidence -- the knowledge that God calls on us to shape an uncertain destiny.

This is the meaning of our liberty and our creed -- why men and women and children of every race and every faith can join in celebration across this magnificent Mall, and why a man whose father less than 60 years ago might not have been served at a local restaurant can now stand before you to take a most sacred oath.

So let us mark this day with remembrance, of who we are and how far we have traveled. In the year of America's birth, in the coldest of months, a small band of patriots huddled by dying campfires on the shores of an icy river. The capital was abandoned. The enemy was advancing. The snow was stained with blood. At a moment when the outcome of our revolution was most in doubt, the father of our nation ordered these words be read to the people:

"Let it be told to the future world ... that in the depth of winter, when nothing but hope and virtue could survive... that the city and the country, alarmed at one common danger, came forth to meet [it]."

America. In the face of our common dangers, in this winter of our hardship, let us remember these timeless words. With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come. Let it be said by our children's children that when we were tested, we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back, nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God's grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations.

Don't Miss:

Video coverage of Obama's inauguration

Jets Soar For New Head Coach

2009-01-20T00:21:00.003-05:00

Now maybe this is because I am in no way a fan of the New York (*cough cough* Jersey *cough cough*) Jets, but they really know how to snatch up a coach, and a couple of headlines. The latest news flash is that the Jets picked their man, Rex Ryan, to become their new head coach.

Now obviously this seems like a good idea, I mean Rex Ryan was on a team that almost won the AFC championship game. Almost. So that must mean that acquiring him will lead the Jets to the same fortune (or misfortune seeing as though the Ravens will not be making an appearance in the Super Bowl this year). But is that what the Jets really want? To get to the AFC championship game only to lose the one game away from the all-mighty Super Bowl game?

There was much speculation as the Jets laid low in pursuit of their attack, I mean pick. There were a multitude of names thrown out to us avid football fans: Cowher, Spagnuolo, Grimm, Billick, the list goes on and on. After the Cowher craze lasted for about 48 whole hours, the big trend was pointing to Spanuolo. It seemed as though his miraculous Giants would pull the right strings and make it back to the Super Bowl, which would be a positive quality for a Jets' coach to have. But unfortunately for the poor Giants (I hope you can gather the sarcasm), they got rocked on their home turf. I'm assuming due to that misfortune, or just the lack of skill that deterred the Jets from further going down that lane.

So now it's all Rex Ryan for the Jets. Honestly I'm surprised they aren't still waiting to see whats going to happen with Grimm and the Cardinals. I mean, at least they made it to the Super Bowl, Rex. And I just can't believe that their hard work and amazing 37-year-old quarterback is actually all that amazing. John McCain is pulling strings somewhere. And Warner's success might be stirring some ideas in Brett Favre's head, I'm sure. Maybe his twentieth try at retiring may be pushed back yet again. If the Jet's decide to keep Favre then they need more than just a stellar coach. Anyway, before the minor tangent, I would think the Jets would want a coach who can actually get its team to the Super Bowl, whether they win it or not. Unless they are on the same page as I am and don't think that the Cardinals are all that they are cracked up to be (but then again, neither are the Jets, but I digress...)

Although I've read some articles about Ryan, I don't really know that much about him. Some coaches do really well in certain cities and absolutely lousy in others. But maybe Ryan will turn around the floundering Jets. Maybe they will make it to the playoffs next season, or dare I say to a championship game? As for now, I hope that doesn't happen, for I have to stick with my Buffalo Bills who also know how to crumble on impact. The only positive thing from the Jets making it to the Super Bowl in this day and age (and possibly winning it) would mean that all the Jets fans will shut up about their one and only Super Bowl win, which for most of these fans, happened before they were even a figment in their parents' imaginations.

(note for the picture: THE JETS WERE ON SESAME STREET? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THINGS HOLY I hope there weren't any kids watching that day; brain cells might have been obliterated if they had!)

An Ode to the Eldery Driver

2009-01-19T13:08:00.008-05:00

"BOYNTON BEACH, Fla. (AP) - An elderly woman in Palm Beach County drove her car into a man on a scooter[...]" - AP, 1/17/09; (Full Story)

The elderly strike again! It seems that no one is safe when one is behind on the wheel of an automobile. I've heard countless horror stories from friends and family, and saw many more on the news. It almost seems like a daily occurance (and I'm sure it is). But, this story doesn't just end with the scooter being struck. Nope... it ends at a hair salon.

Apparently after hitting a man on a scooter (who had the right away), and having him land on her windshield, Louise Davidson, 77, decided it best to continue on her journey to get a haircut. I wish I could say the man remained on her windshield the remainder of the ride, as it would make for a fantastic story, but alas, he rolled off, suffering minor injuries before Davidson took off. Her car was spotted later, and she was sporting a fancy new 'do (or at least I'm assuming)!

When the first thing an elderly driver thinks after hitting someone, especially after the person is flung onto their windshield, is to continue on with their daily errands, their license should be revoked, and they should be locked up in a nursing home. And no, I don't hate the elderly, I fear them behind the wheel.

But with fear comes respect. So this is an ode, of sorts, to the elderly driver. Without you, we'd have to worry even more about overpopulation. Who else will slay our youth on the road when drugs and alcohol fail? Who else will back out of their driveway onto a busy road without looking, and hit a young man, forcing him to the other lane into oncoming traffic? Who else will loyally go twenty under any given speed limit in a one-lane road, and encourage further road rage? Who else will keep the streets busy on a Sunday morning, and ensure traffic lasts as painfully long as possible? It's okay, since you've retired, no one else wants to go the speed limit, either. We clearly have all the time in the world. Why rush?

Oh, elderly drivers... how else could a little old lady strike fear into the hearts of brave, courageous men while en route to the grocery store or hair salon? (If you haven't noticed yet, I thoroughly enjoy stereotypes.)

Despite the ode, however, I'd like to put forth an effort to encourage the people of the law and DMVs across the nation to consider, just for a moment, enacting a law mandating the re-testing of those drivers over a certain age. Although, where would be the fun in that? And how on earth would they get around!? Clearly public transportation is a myth, existing only in the land of make-believe and the minds of the imaginitive youth. Which is likely what's driving (yay pun!) the elderly to slaughter them.

Coming next? Perhaps an ode to sarcasm. This post is just dripping with it, assuming sarcasm is a liquid at room temperature.

Disturbing Poll Numbers

2009-01-15T20:01:00.006-05:00

As you probably know by now from reading my news-related posts, I like to check out cnn.com for the latest in current events. [On that note, I could get paid for all of the promoting I do of their articles, hint hint] On their website, they have a poll, usually relating to one of the more recent news stories. Today, it featured this question:

How will history judge President Bush?

I thought that it would be very interesting, and possibly entertaining, to see what the numbers were, and if I would be anywhere close to what the real percentages were. The options were: Favorably or Unfavorably. Well I can only imagine you can guess which answer I chose (it's not hard to figure it out). I checked my answer and hit submit, wondering if most Americans decided to vote the way I had. Here are the answers:

Favorably	22%	33375
Unfavorably	78%	119351

I was actually shocked that 22% of the people who participated in this poll believed that President Dubya had actually thought history, and its books, would put Bush into a good light. This means that 33,375 people that took this poll think Bush will go down in history as a good president, or did a good job, I'm not actually sure what they were thinking. I know it's really hard for us non-Bush supporters, or smart people, to think of anything good that Bush has done over his eight year reign. The only thing I can think of that Bush accomplished that was miraculous was the fact that he was elected as President the second time (also the first, but after 4 years of Bush did anyone expect him to win again?)

So what was it that he is going to be remembered for in a positive way? What good history does he have? Every thing I think of, it only ends with Bush looking like an idiot and the American people paying for his mistakes. So I pose this question to all of you dear readers: What do you think? How will history judge President Bush? And how could it be favorable when, at the moment, millions of people around the world are eagerly waiting his termination as president?

All I can say is come on January 20th!

Football Fanatics

2009-01-15T15:11:00.003-05:00

Even politicians are getting in on the football playoff action! Pittsburgh Mayor Luke Ravenstahl is going to change his last name from Ravenstahl to Steelerstahl. According to the Mayor, the team gave him the idea, and it's definitely not a bad one!

I think that this temporary name change is really funny and entertaining. I mean, how many times is there even an opportunity for the Mayor to change part of his name from the opposing team's name to his city's name? It's pretty unreal. And awesome.

When I first started to read about this, I was waiting for the subconscious to be like, "Are you for real? This is stupid!" But as the idea sunk deeper into my over-footballed brain, I decided that this was a nice piece of sports-related "news" and the fact that this will probably never happen again is entertaining to me. The whole name changing part isn't the best part of this story. It's the fact that the Steelers are playing the Ravens next sunday and the Pittsburgh Mayor has "Raven" as part of his name. Actually the best part of this whole situation is that the -stahl part of his name actually means "steel" in German. So if we put those two together it makes: Raven-steel. So maybe someone had a prophesy back in the day and when they come to Ellis Island, decided to make that their last name... or not but I like to think I'm witty and creative. Anyway, I'm glad some people are having fun with football instead of just focusing on all the stats, etc.

I wonder if there are any Mayors with the name NewEnglandPatriotowski and if he/she would change his name if he lived, in let's say Buffalo. (I can dream can't I?!)

The Musical Stylings of the Super Bowl

2009-01-14T13:09:00.003-05:00

I'm just going to come right out with it: I am not impressed nor am I excited to watch Bruce Springsteen at the Super Bowl half time show.

I know that this sounds daft, but I am not old enough to enjoy his musical talents, or the lack there of according to some. Ever since the "wardrobe malfunction" with Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake, there hasn't been any musical performers at the Super Bowl who have been under the age of 55. Tom Petty, Prince, Rolling Stones, Paul McCartney, and now it will be Bruce Springsteen.

I have to acknowledge that most of the people who will be watching the Super Bowl probably are of the generation that adored the Beatles, Rolling Stones, Tom Petty, and now Springsteen. But there are a lot of younger fans out there, as well as fans who don't all prefer the same music. Lumping music greats into one category really isn't my style, but for the purposes of this article, that's exactly what I'm going to do. With the exception of Prince, all the music is pretty much equal (don't throw things just yet). What I mean is, let's get a different genre of music going here.

Going back to the faux pas of Jackson and Timberlake, MTV will never again be allowed to be a part of the Super Bowl half time show. That I can say is understandable since Jackson flashed half of the world (and I think I ended up being one of the rare few who didn't witness it when it actually happened). But just because Jackson had that accident, and the FCC had a "minor" freak out about it, doesn't mean that no one who isn't near the age of retirement shouldn't be there to perform.

For example, Jennifer Hudson is going to be there to sing the national anthem at the beginning of the game. I think this is great on so many different levels. One, she is a great singer, and two, this is the first time she will be back in the spotlight after the tragic incident that happened to her family last October. Why not have a good singer like that be the star of the half time show? Why not get some rocker band who can still dance around the stage without worrying if their hips will dislocate? Even if it continues with the pop music theme, there are bands/singers out there who won't flash the entire world and aren't associated with the superstar antics that we see from Britney and other overpaid, under-talented performers. Now I am no musical expert, but what about pop bands like Maroon 5, Nickelback, Audioslave (or just Chris Cornell) or even (dare I go there) some of the singers that made it from American Idol. I hate to promote this sickening show, but what about David Cook, or non-American Idol singers who can actually sing and their songs are pretty good.

ANYONE that could appeal to a younger crowd, as well as the crowd that likes bands and singers that once were amazing and now are just in it for money and continued fame. Next thing we'll know, Journey will be next year's band and then I'll have to consider not watching any of the Super Bowl if it happens.

The only thing that could be worse is if the NFL decides to go drastically young, and then Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers, or High School Musical is the main show. If that happens, then I will never watch football again.

Sex Offender Strikes Gold

2009-01-13T10:41:00.003-05:00

It's always nice to see that there are people who win state lotteries who really need them, but this story is a little twisted, and I mean that in a sarcastic way. In Alaska (where else?) a sex offender by the name of Alec Ahsoak, who has multiple convictions for sexual abuse of a minor, won $500,000.

At first I thought it was pretty weird that a sex offender would win the lottery. I pictured this man to spend thousands of dollars on lottery tickets to win, and I didn't think one could hold a good enough job after being convicted. That and just look at his picture! It doesn't look like he would be making much. But I can see the sex offender resemblance.

Anyway, I thought that this was a strange occurrence, until I looked at this short line from cnn.com: "FBI: Alaska has the highest per capita number of rape cases in the United States." So really, if you think about it, if they have such a high amount of sex offenders living in the state (poor Bristol), then really it's not that strange of an occurrence. I'm surprised I haven't heard about this occurrence before.

To wrap up, the news that keeps coming out just makes Alaska look better and better... and I mean that in the most sarcastic way possible. Once again, this shows that Alaskans have multiple talents I want nothing to do with. I mean, come on is there really NOTHING else you can do up there besides sexually harassing/assaulting people, or getting pregnant? Guess not.

Oh and one last note, all proceeds of the Alaska lottery goes to: "Standing Together Against Rape in Anchorage." Now that's what I call good irony.

Will the Super Bowl be without a Manning or Brady?

2009-01-12T21:35:00.003-05:00

So even though the Super Bowl isn't for a few weeks, I just began to think about it and who might be showing up. Now that both of the Mannings are out of the playoffs, and Brady has been a no-show for most of the season (Hallelujah, am I right?) it just might seem that none of the "big guns" or celebs of football are going to be in the spotlight. That will be even more true if the big names like McNabb, Westbrook, and Roethlisberger don't make it to Tampa.

Since last Super Bowl, Eli Manning has become as popular as his brother, which makes some people elated, and others astonished. Personally, I think that he got to where he was because of his family name, but that is another story for another day. So that's why so many are shocked and dismayed that Baby Manning will not be venturing to the Super Bowl this year, at least with his Giants.

A couple of years ago, when neither the suddenly amazing Giants, nor the monopolizing Patriots made it to the Super Bowl, there was still a football giant to take much of the spotlight: Peyton. And with good reason; Older Bro Manning helped bring his team to Super Bowl XLI and win it. But what really pissed me off, and I mean PISSED me off was that Brady somehow ended up at this game by being involved with the coin toss.

It doesn't surprise me, now or then, that the NFL loves Brady and can't get enough of him. So even though his team didn't make it to the Super Bowl, he sure did. And because of this special guest appearance, I am intrigued and apprehensive to see which NFL "star" is going to make a special guest appearance this year. Will it be Brady again? Even though he was out for most of the regular season, there's no doubt in my mind that the NFL would pull any amount of strings to get him back out onto the football field, even to the dismay of all anti-Patriots/anti-Brady football fans.

However, after the big hoopla about Eli Manning and his winning Giants, the team who beat out the Super Bowl Giants (no pun intended...maybe) the NFL might not want to give up their overly praised NFC team. That is why the person that might be at that coin toss, who won't be Brady, will be Eli Manning.

In a perfect Super Bowl world, there will be no surprise appearances by any Brady, Manning, or anyone of that stature. The only players that should show up to this game should be the players from the two teams playing in the XLIrd Super Bowl. If any players are going to help with the coin toss, or any other mundane part of the show, why not have it be some Hall-of-Famer? Someone who isn't associated with a current football team that didn't make it because they just couldn't live up to the pressure, or just weren't that good?

Oh and if the NFL has Tony Romo show up for anything, I will search out the idiot who made that decision and give them a piece of my mind!

Go Eagles!

I'd me Mad at Madoff too...

2009-01-10T11:31:00.007-05:00

So this Madoff fellow has been in the news a lot recently for ripping off many people and coming away with at least 50 billion dollars... I definitely call that a steal... (cue drums for lame joke). So what exactly did this man do? I wasn't exactly up on this financial news seeing as how I never invested with him and this isn't the first time a wealthy old white man has tried to make more money than anyone ever needs through illegal scams and schemes. Well to answer this very plainly, he had a Ponzi scheme that ripped off people not only here in the United States, but worldwide. Maybe if he wasn't such a scumbag, I would give him a high five and ask him for some tidbit secrets.

Anyway, it's not really him that interests me. The story I recently read on cnn.com
involves one of the women he scammed; an author who lost her entire life savings. Now If I were her, I would be extremely pissed off. I mean to work so hard to save money so that once I retire that would be what I use and then have it be taken away by some man who was already ridiculously rich, and that I would have to start over at an advanced age...

Except that this writer, Alexandra Penney, is still pretty filthy rich. A part of the article explains now that Penny has lost her life savings, which is still a horrible thing, "She's gone back to work and may sell homes and jewelry to pay expenses."

Hold on. Homes? with an S? If she has multiple homes, one of which being an apartment in SOHO, then I really think this author and her life savings will be just fine. Leave it up to CNN to find another rich person who just happened to have a good chunk of her money taken from her, but that it really doesn't matter. All Penney has to do is sell a "few homes" and she'll probably be back to normal. The other comment about having to go back to work, well how inconceivable! People having to work to earn money? Now that is really outrageous. Oh and what's worse! Furthermore, Penney will now have to take "her first subway ride in 30 years." How TERRIBLE!

The most ridiculous part of this whole article is the fact that after all of this blubbering about subways and selling cottages and jewelry and *gasp* going back to work, Penney says that she doesn't want people to feel sorry for her. And yet she "jokes" about how she's going to entertain her friends at Taco Bell, or how she writes a blog entitled "The Bag Lady Papers". I think this author needs to go to a writing workshop dedicated to learning real irony, or maybe how to tone down the dramatics.

I think the more heart-wrenching stories are the ones where the big fat old rich white men are ripping off poor helpless people who are already working for a living and might one one home if they are lucky. That is a much better story, and that always can lead to a follow-up story about revenge and taking the old white fart out, if you know what I mean.

Driving under His influence... and a Buffalo suicide

2008-12-29T14:38:00.003-05:00

Driving around my hometown is usually a pain in the ass. That's right, I said it. People either drive under the speed limit in front of you, or are trying to drive 20 miles over the speed limit and into your back seat. Today I had a minor incident with a minivan, with whom I assumed was a stay-at-home mother who needs to drive like an asshole to see some action in her life. However, I was sadly mistaken. The obnoxious driver turned out to be none other than a nun.

That's right. A nun. I always pictured nuns to be little old docile women who worshipped God first and foremost and spread peace to those who needed it. Maybe I was thinking about Mother Theresa a little too much, because I don't think Mother Theresa would have tried to played bumper tag with me for those couple of miles.

Apparently there is nothing worse than a nun in a minivan. I will set the scence by starting out with this escapade on a five lane highway. I was in the passing lane as I had just turned on to this five lane road. The minivan (I did not know it was a nun at the time) was following some car a little too closely in the right-hand lane. So what does this lady of God do? Attempts to pass the car by trying to drive into my back seat. Now at this point I am going over the speed limit to both bypass the slowpoke in the right-hand lane, and to get this minivan off my taillights.

Succeeding in at least passing the slowpoke, I pull into the right-hand lane, and the damn minivan does the same, still tailgating my back bumper. If I had known it was a nun at the time, I might have stopped short and then expected her to perform a miracle to fix my car, or at least get her Church to pay for damages.

Now we are coming to a light at a four-way intersection that has been previously mentioned already in this blog. This is why I can truly say driving in this town is ridiculous. But moving on... There are still two lanes, so I move into the passing lane as the light turns red. This is out of courtesy for other drivers since the right-hand lane gets an arrow to turn right and I was hoping the minivan from hell (or Heaven) would just turn and leave me alone. But it doesn't. There is no way I think this minivan is a nun because don't nuns put others in front of themselves? Aren't they selfless? And since when do nuns drive? (That's just my quip though) So now this minivan is blocking the right arrow for the cars behind her that actually want to turn right.

Finally the light turns green and I gun it. It's a minivan, what minivans can gun it? My lane turns into a turn-left-only lane so I have to move it and move it fast to get back in front of the aggravating minivan and to my surprise and more aggravation the damn woman guns it so I can't get in front of her. Of course I am not speeding up to turn left. I give her enough credit to understand that. Okay, you've won, I think to myself as I slow down and try to get behind her.

This is the beautiful part, and I mean this in the most sarcastic way possible. SHE SLOWS DOWN because she is going to turn into the Catholic School that it only a little bit farther on the right hand side. THAT was when I noticed she was a nun. I was so surprised that I couldn't help but laugh. I just can't get over the fact that a nun was a horrible driver, but I guess there is much less that they do know but I won't get into that or my views of Catholicism just because one measly nun can't drive a minivan. Next time she should just fly. Get that goofy hat and away we go!

Now, if you can get passed my blatant bigotry of nuns and Catholicism, and are a football fan, this might be a little entertaining. Once we bipassed the nun, we came to another intersection, this time a three road intersection. There was a man standing in the middle of two roads, sectioned off by grass, and he looked like he was waiting to cross. Of course our light is red and he has all the time in the world to do so. But he doesn't. He's just standing there looking down the road we were sitting on. That's when I noticed the Buffalo Bills winter hat he was wearing. Not that disappointment and failure are new to Buffalo fans, I know I'm one of them, but the way he was looking at the road, and the cars that passed, this man looked as if he was ready to throw himself in front of an on coming car. First I was hoping he wouldn't just in front of my car, and secondly I was hoping he wasn't going to jump at all. There's always next year, pal. Just blame Losman and move on.

Shh!! No Talking at the Movies!

2008-12-27T11:58:00.005-05:00

Don't you hate it when you go to the movies and are really excited to see the film... when someone near you is constantly talking? I'm sure it's happened to everyone at least once. Or, you are the person who always talks at the movies. Well, if that's the case, then you better stop your yapping, or you might get shot.

A very serious movie goer, James Joseph Cialella, went to see The Curious Case of Benjamin Button in Philly on Christmas Day. The poor guy just wanted to see the movie he overpaid for. That's when a father/son duo began to yap away in front of Cialella. I'm not sure of the amount of talking that actually occurred, but apparently to Cialella, it was much too much.

Next thing you know, the father/son duo are having popcorn being flung at them and are being shot at. It's a little extreme, but I think we got the point. For more information on this completely whacko story, click here. So the next time you decide to talk at the movies, and be completely rude, remember, some people out there are willing to kill you over it.

That's about it. I'm off to the movies.

Merry Christmas: Missing Baby Hoax

2008-12-26T15:16:00.005-05:00

I can't think of a better way to wrangle in the ex than by coming up with a fake baby kidnapping story. Meagan McCormic from Florida first made up the fact that she had a baby, and then claimed that the baby went missing. All of this effort was so that she could win back her ex-boyfriend. Nothing wins back men by telling them they fathered your baby, but then you lost it, even if it turns out this baby is imaginary.

How is that supposed to win men back? That LAST thing they want is more responsibility. I would think that there would be a better way to get back that ex-boyfriend without using the, "You're the father" line. I can't think of anything witty off the top of my head at the moment (stupid cold!) but if I were in her shoes, I would try something related to his favorite sport or beer, since she seemed really desperate. But now that poor ex went through a wave of unneeded anxiety, first learning he was a father, and second that child was "kidnapped."

I can only assume that now this woman is in jail, this ex won't be sticking around to find out if he has any other children, imaginative or real.

Nothing says "Merry Christmas!" like a missing baby!

If you want to read more about this Christmas missing baby extravaganza, the link is provided below: http://www.cnn.com/2008/CRIME/12/26/missing.baby.hoax/index.html

CBS DOES Care!

2008-12-25T14:53:00.005-05:00

'Tis the season to give! And what could be better to give than a prostate exam? I'm not talking about performing the exam on your man, but as the CBS PSA insists, scheduling a prostate exam for any important man in your life is the way to go during the holiday season. (Don't believe me? Check it!)

Remember, nothing says "I love you" like paying someone to prod a man's anus the day after Christmas. (At least pay a professional... let's not get into those "back alley" exams.)

So if you're trying to get an early start on Christmas shopping next year, just call your doctor! Hopefully that special man in your life will return the favor with a pap smear and a colonoscopy.

Happy Holidays!

It's a Redneck Christmas... In Jail

2008-12-22T21:32:00.006-05:00

Although I was only going to write one post a day, I can't help but getting a head start on my next blog. My friend Samantha just sent me a hysterical article relating to the Palin clan up in good ole' small town Wasilla, Alaska. This time Entertainment Tonight receives all of the credit for this story: http://www.etonline.com/news/2008/12/69065/index.html

Apparently the Redneck News just keeps getting better and better for the Palin clan, at least for those who couldn't stand her or her white trash family. Instead of relating to Sarah directly, it involves her knocked up daughter Bristol, soon (but not soon enough)-to-be son-in-law Levi, and his mother, Sherry L. Johnston. According to ET, Bristol's future mother-in-law Johnston was arrested as a result from an "undercover drug investigation -- and she was charged with six counts of misconduct involving a controlled substance."

Wow. Well, then again, what is there to do in Wasilla? It did used to be the Meth capital of the USA, or the world, I can't remember which. Unless it still is. I cannot imagine if this story had come out after McCain and Palin were elected as Prez and V.P. (then again I can't imagine that pair being in office, but I digress). I mean, forcing your daughter into having a child out of wedlock, and then forcing her into marriage with a hockey player with an IQ of -5 is one thing. But how could she explain this situation away? By making drugs legal in Alaska? Now instead of just buying guns, wedding dresses and booze at the local store, meth and crack would also be sold too. Shoot up and then have a shotgun wedding! Maybe Bristol's will be first to try it.

Anyway, the news just keeps getting better and better with the Palin clan. I'm waiting for Palin to pop out a baby and name it Zamboni, and to have Trig and Willow knock over the main bank in Wasilla.

I just hope that Mrs. Johnston has a fantastic Christmas celebration in jail. Maybe all of the family will come together to celebrate their redneck-dom. Happy Holidays Rednecks!

Leave Obama Alone!

2008-12-22T19:20:00.008-05:00

There have been multiple news stories about how the American people, or different activist groups are now angry with President-Elect, Barack Obama.
(You can access one at:
http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/12/22/women.cabinet/index.html)

In case you have not heard, the gay and lesbians are mad at Obama because he chose Pastor Rick Warren to help with the inauguration in January. Now, some women's groups are ticked off at Obama because there he chose only 5 women to become part of his future Cabinet. Apparently this is about the same amount of women that Bill Clinton and Dubya had in their Cabinets, so there is no real gain for the female sex.

As being one of the female sex, I think that I have the right to voice my opinion. I believe that Obama is choosing highly qualified people to help him run the country come January. And if there are only 5 qualified women, then so be it. If he had to think about what sexes, races, cultures, etc. had to be in the Cabinet to make everyone happy, he would probably lose his mind! I know I would. You can't please everyone, and I would rather have our President-Elect choosing the right people, rather than basing this decision on if that person is male or female.

And as for the whole Pastor thing, relax. Almost all of the United States, and practically the entire world will be celebrating January 20th like it is the best day on Earth, because it is. As long as the Pastor doesn't get up there and say that those who are not of the same faith will go to hell, I really don't care if he's there. It's Obama's day, not Rick Warren's, and I bet he knows that. And that's coming straight from an atheist's mouth. So he's going to be there, do his little religious voodoo for a few minutes and then it's over. Get over it!

So for all of you nay-sayers out there that are nit-picking every little detail about the President-Elect and his decisions, I would like you to remember one thing: if Barack Obama hadn't been elected, you would have waaaaaaaay more to be bitching about. So shut your mouth and have yourself some happy holidays!

A Word Of Advice: Don't Help People.

2008-12-21T03:39:00.002-05:00

What an incredible way to discourage people from helping one another.

It pains me to say this, but it's almost a shame that the car didn't catch fire. Then she wouldn't be suing the poor guy.

I find it really interesting that not only can you get in trouble if you witness a crime and not help or contact authorities, but now you can get in trouble for helping. It's like you can get sued for anything these days. Hell, I'll probably get sued for this post.

Aren't there more important legal issues floating around the U.S.? During this economic turmoil, with countless controversial issues, is this really the topic they're going to focus on? Well, I applaud you, U.S. court system, for proving that you can continue to hit new lows.

Museum of Modern of Rip-off

2008-12-20T19:18:00.006-05:00

Today I went back to the MoMA (museum of modern art) to once again see the Van Gogh exhibit they have on display until my birthday. I think that the exhibit was great- Van Gogh was a great painter, and unfortunately the "design store" only sells "Starry Night" at a reasonable price.

Even though the exhibit is great, I really dislike what is displayed in the MoMA. Since we had a little time we breezed through some of the modern art exhibits. It has definitely come to my attention that painting a wooden frame black and attaching a red light to a mirror is in no way art. I am fascinated by how ridiculous some of the things are, and to top it off, how people are so fascinated by a blue line on a red canvas. At least that's on a canvas! There were some skeletons on the floor and that was considered art (I don't even want to know if they were real). It boggles my mind that people are interested in this sort of stuff. And before you begin to mention how I must of had to pay to enter the museum, I did not. Kudos for Columbia. Apparently the exorbitant amount of money actually helps pay for other things than just those silly classes, but I digress...

I could do some of the things that are displayed at the MoMA, and I think that's what bugs me. I like impressionists because they can paint people and places and you name it. They depict beautiful things if they so decide to make that person or place beautiful. And more importantly, they have a whole bushel of talent. But to drape a sheet in some random way and then get credit for it? Really.

So my next thought was, these "artists" had to know that what they created were complete crap. This is the time to cut myself off and say that some of the modern art does show a lot of talent, and creativity, but most of it doesn't. This leads me to believe that these "artists" then know how to bullshit, and big time. "Oh the black frame around the mirror represents the black hole of our lives, and the red light in the mirror represents how we feel when we are being sucked through that black hole." I'm sure that they could make up better B.S. on the spot.

Maybe I should try to pawn one of my kindergarten paintings of flowers off on the MoMA. "The color is not contained in the flowers because it represents how we cannot be contained in society the way that the government is trying to have us do. The table is at this odd angle, not because I did not understand the aspect of proportion and depth, but because it represents an oddly formed Earth with our chaotic societies raging war on one another." Think it'll work? Neither do I.

Bush and His Headlines

2008-12-16T19:07:00.005-05:00

So everyone has heard by now how dodgy President Bush can be (quite literally). It seems as though that instead of being known as the destructor of the Earth, Dubya will now be renounced as the President who can dodge flying shoes. Very impressive, Mr. President, don't hesitate to write that down in your resume.

To brush up on my news of the day, I usually go to cnn.com to see the newest headlines. Their top story is currently: "Bush talks auto bailout, Iraq war, dodging shoes"

Does anyone else find it a bit ridiculous that this dodging shoes business is that important? Before it read the "shoes" part of the byline, I was thinking it would be "dodging bullets" since that seems to go along with the theme of bad news. When I came across "shoes" I thought that it fits Dubya's personality; stupid and completely nuts.

Was this another Dubya ploy to focus the country on an Iraqi reporter's shoes and forget about the auto bailout or the recession that we're in? How much did he pay this guy? Either way, I salute you Muntadhar al-Zaidi for having enough balls to throw your shoes at the dumbest person alive. No one else has tried a stunt like that, and it's pretty astonishing as to why not. And I'd hope that even though you attempted to assault the President of the United States, you got your shoes back.

I just would like to inform all you readers out there that dodging shoes is in no way like dodging bullets. Dubya would have known that if he had shown up to the Vietnam War. But that's another story for another day.

George W. Bush... A Ninja!?

2008-12-15T18:32:00.006-05:00

George W. Bush: Android? Cyborg? Extraterrestrial? Nope. Ninja!

That, or a super hero... I haven't quite decided yet. What could be a better way to mask your identity than as one of the lousiest president in history? Perhaps he was so lousy because he wasn't made to lead, he was made for dodgeball! I also love how he was smirking the entire time.

I definitely would have picked him first in gym class.

Predictability TV

2008-12-02T21:34:00.011-05:00

Lately I have been television deprived. The only show I watched on a regular basis, Real Time with Bill Maher, finished up the season a few weeks ago. During my undergraduate experience, I always had some sort of program I would run back to my room to watch. But for the past few weeks, I have not had such a pleasure.

I decided after Thanksgiving that I would find new shows to become attached to. What was the point of buying a new television if I'm only going to turn it on for an occasional football game or Lifetime movie? I knew I had to act. Isn't that what it means to be an American?

So I decided on two shows to become my entertainment on Tuesday and Thursday nights: The Mentalist and 30 Rock. I recently saw a movie that starred Tina Fey and I remembered that I liked her writing on Saturday Night Live, when it wasn't sucky. That and Alec Baldwin is hilarious and a McCain/Palin hater, so he's alright in my book. I had also seen previews for The Mentalist, and even though it had the crazy girl from the latest Lifetime Movie, the main character seems intriguing enough to carry the show (and he ain't too bad lookin' neither).

So tonight, since it is Tuesday night, I tuned in to watch The Mentalist. BEWARE: If you did not watch this episode (#9) and you don't want me to spoil it for you, then stop reading now. Don't say I didn't warn you!

The whole episode was about how this small town had one of it's citizens die in a fire. Of course it turns out that it's a murder and he didn't try to kill himself via torch. Many characters were introduced in the first ten minutes, as well as side plots that could lead the viewer into thinking that many people in the town could have committed the crime. Proof that small towns are filled with psychopaths (*cough cough* Palin *cough cough*). Anyway, they introduced a retarded young man who helps out around the town, and my instinct told me this was the murderer.

Now mind you, I am awful at predicting movies or television shows with a twist. So when it turned out that I was right, at first I was filled with pride that I had been so smart to figure it out. However, this feeling dissipated after about ten seconds and I was left thinking, boy was this episode pretty damn predictable. Even I knew it ten minutes in!

I think that predictability can be fun at times, however, I like to be surprised at the end of the episode. I mean for God sakes, I had to sit through all of the lame commercials that take up one third of the time allotted for any cable television show. So please, writers of The Mentalist, if you are reading this, please please please make your show less predictable. Jane's charm can only go so far. (And why is this man of men have the last name of Jane?) Plus, I want to be engaged for the entire hour (or 40 minutes of air time), and not silently thinking to myself that maybe this show isn't right for me. Either that, or give me a job as a writer.

Your choice.

Although I have seen all of the previous episodes of this season's 30 Rock at nbc.com (which is another rant for another day... CBS you should air full episodes!! Hello! Welcome to 2008!), I am eager to watch one at it's allotted time on Thursday. Fey and Baldwin, don't let me down!

Good Ole' Alabama

2008-11-30T11:48:00.014-05:00

I like to get random text messages, so I signed up for the "This Day in History" messages from the History Channel. Nothing better than brushing up on my history knowledge. Good convo starter with strangers: "Hey, did you know that today was the day Mata Hari was killed for being a German spy?"

Although I have been receiving these texts for a little while now, the one I received this morning (8:00am sharp) was the most hysterical historical tidbit yet. It's here as follows:

"This Day in History 11/30 1954: 1st modern instance of a meteorite striking a human being occurs in Alabama."

WHAT??

While this is definitely a conversation starter, (or ender depending on how you look at it) I have never asked myself, "Hey, I really want to know when meteors hit people," or "I want to know how stupid people are that they don't move out of the way for a burning piece of rock aimed right at 'em."

I just have to say that I am not exactly surprised that it happened to a resident of Alabama. I mean, come on. Aren't they the same people who claim to see UFOs? Now I'm not saying that I don't believe there are other beings out there in the universe, because I think us people are a little bit too cocky thinking we're the only intelligent life form out there. Which, it would actually comfort me to know there is a smarter being out there who wouldn't have elected George W. Bush two times as President. To quote Kathleen Madigan, Earth is the "Alabama of the Universe." Which just goes to show that I'm not surprised an Alabamian is the record holder of being the first human being to get hit by a meteorite. I wonder if that was before or after she spotted the UFO.

Road Rage!

2008-11-29T01:11:00.007-05:00

While driving home from work yesterday (I'd like to reinforce that this took place on Thanksgiving), I encountered quite possibly the most erratic driver I've ever seen. I'll gladly share this short little horrifying story.

So I had just left work, and was literally less than a mile away. I was on a regular 2-lane road separated by two solid yellow lines. I was following another vehicle from a safe distance, and we were going about 10 over the speed limit (45 in a 35). In my rearview mirror, I see this other car approaching very quickly, and after a few moments I honestly thought I was going to be hit. He slams on his brakes, and begins tailgating me, sweving on the road as if to signal something to me (or just being terribly drunk). Suddenly, despite oncoming traffic up ahead in the other lane, he floors it and enters the other lane to my left, and rides alongside my car for a moment, then suddenly swerves in front of me, nearly hitting me and the vehicle in front of me. At this point, of course, both me and the vehicle in front of me began honking, and this is a great time to add that this other vehicle was a fucking AMBULANCE. So this guy nearly hits me and the ambulance, and then begins to tailgate the ambulance while I back off, since I'm fairly certain at this point that he's drunk or being chased by law enforcement.

This wasn't the end of it, of course. He then flies by the ambulance and into a turn lane up ahead at the intersection, and turns left at a red light onto a fairly busy road. At this point, I was just glad that I didn't need to turn left, too.

It baffles me that people can drive like this and get away with it, while I safely go through a yellow light a few months ago and get a ticket. This is a fun story, too: the officer had told me that the light had changed while I was in the intersection. Now, think about that. That's LEGAL. As long as I'm in the intersection, it's fine. Otherwise, you wouldn't be able to turn left without an arrow! If you're stuck in the intersection, you need to wait until oncoming traffic ceases, which very well may be once the light turns red. At that point, you've "claimed" the intersection, and can proceed to finish your turn despite your light being red. I guess I had just never met a police officer that must've skipped his 5-hour. Conveniently, though, once I mentioned where I worked, he said he'd "give me a break," and reduced it to "no seatbelt."

People just piss me off. Especially people who think they're immortal upon entering a vehicle. No wonder car accidents are one of the top killers of Americans, and drunk driving is such a big issue. If people feel immortal while driving, and feel immortal while drinking, they'll feel doubly immortal drinking in a car.

Black Friday Massacre

2008-11-28T22:48:00.016-05:00

So lo and behold, chaos took place during the wee hours of the morning in Long Island, New York. The Wal-Mart greeter, or the poor man who was sent to open the door at a Valley Stream location, died from being trampled to death buy greedy Wal-Mart customers. It just goes to show that "Shop Wal-Mart, Live Better" doesn't necessarily apply to its employees.

The second chaotic event that occurred earlier today ended with two men shot dead at a Toys R' Us store in California. I understand getting your son or daughter the perfect holiday toy for Christmas or Hanukkah, but to kill people over it? Please, let's leave this monstrosity until December 24th when parents are fighting over the last Wii console, or whatever is the hottest new toy this season.

For all of you crazed Black Friday shoppers who feel the need to wake up at horrendous hours of the morning to find the best deals of the holiday season, for the love of God and all things holy, could you try NOT to kill people? I don't think that is the spirit of the holiday season, at least not at Hanukkah. I don't think Jesus wanted people to kill each other over discounts at Wal-Mart. Then again, I don't think the whole point of Christmas was to shove as many gifts under a pine tree, but that is another rant for another day.

Did you say Black what?!

2008-11-27T22:44:00.002-05:00

So tomorrow is the big day many people have been waiting for. Nope, it’s not Turkey Day because that is today. And it’s not Hanukkah until late December. Many eager customers are preparing themselves to wake up in four hours to go shopping at all the major stores in order to find the perfect gift for Christmas. The big craze is known as Black Friday!

Because I paid attention to history in class, I am very curious as to why this biggest shopping day of the year was named Black Friday. I’m wondering as to why the corporations and stores decided to name this chaos of a day Black Friday. Because, if I recall, any event that is referred to as “Black” something, usually means that something horrible happened. Personally, the name makes perfect sense to me. When i think of Black Friday, I think of shopping mania where everyone is stressed to find the best deal on the best toy or gift. I see people fighting over stupid stuff they could easily order online and be over with it.

So for all of you who love Black Friday, I would just like to point out other festive events that used Black in the title..

1.) The Black Plague/Black Death: Hmmm, sounds a bit disconcerting to me! Here is your mini history lesson for the day: In England, as well as other countries around the world, people started to get sick and drop dead on the very same day! But don’t worry, this happened (well multiple times, but the first) in 1348, although the date has been disputed by historians. The details are a bit gruesome, so if you want to google that for your sick, twisted pleasure, be my guest. Anyway, the point is that the Black Plague was not what people wanted to get back in the day.

2.) Black Monday: No, this is not another chance to shop for Christmas, or any other holidays. The second mini history lesson will take us back to the year 1987 when the stock market crashed on, you guessed it, a Monday. On this sad day of October the 19th, people worldwide lost their money unintentionally. What a horrible day to have a birthday (Sorry, Mom).

3.) Black Tuesday/Thursday (you see where I’m going with this?): These were alternate, although not the most popular names for the Great Stock Market Crash. Instead of just crashing on one day, like the previous example, the 1929 stock market crashed on three separate days: a Monday, a Tuesday, and a Thursday. Talk about a bad week. And again, this stock market crash occurred in late October. (Maybe this is a clue to not invest during the month of October)

4.) Black Wednesday/Saturday/Sunday: If you do a google search, you will find that every single day of the week has the Black attached to it, and not for a positive event either

So even though you are excited to get those discounts at the top brand stores, and to get your holiday shopping done sooner than later, I am one of the few who will not by participating in the shopping frenzy at five in the morning. I care way too much about being able to sleep in than buying clothes, electronics, or anything else I could possibly want to buy at a crazy discount that will actually have me buy more than what I actually need. Which, there’s nothing wrong with that. The part that is wrong is getting up before the sun wakes it’s own tush up to fight like a crazy woman with some stranger over the last Best Buy HD video camera. I definitely don’t think it’s worth it. However, once I am fully rested, I will try to take my own shot at Black Friday, and my documentary piece “Black Friday: Friday the 13th But Worse” will be created for your reading pleasure.

There will be an update on the Black Friday mania tomorrow, so stay tuned! If you would like to post/comment about your own Black Friday experience, we would love to hear the drama, I mean, the experience.

Et Al.

2008-11-26T22:44:00.023-05:00

Have you ever been called something that you really, really, REALLY hated?

I mean, after you have been called this name, you want to make sure the person who uttered it has something unfortunate happen to them? I mean something really unfortunate. Let’s choose them getting run over by a bus for this example.

For those of you who are not in the academia world, et al. is used when there are so many authors that contributed to an academic article that to write out all of their names would be abuse to the writer. Et al. actually stands for “and others” for a more direct definition. According to one of my professors, it is only appropriate to write et al. when there are six or more articles (this can be debated and feel free to tell me what number is the correct one). This background information will be useful for you to know as to why I would love for this unnamed person to be run over by a bus.

The story begins with myself and a friend of mine. We shall call her Pauline. We have been working in conjunction with this unnamed person who will unfortunately be hit by that proverbial bus in the near future. Let’s call her Wanda. Wanda and I apparently do not get along. From the moment I met her, I felt as though she was a very pushy woman who had an agenda. As soon as I meet people like Wanda, I automatically decide to be completely against what they stand for. So even if they were pro-choice, I would probably just play the devil’s advocate to piss the royal shit out of them (royal shit is yay more shittier than regular shit, trust me).

So Wanda and I do not go together like peas in a pod, or any other idioms you would prefer to use. In fact, I think we have a silent agreement that we do not get along. Anyway, Pauline and I have contact with Wanda and others through email, which is my preferred way of communication. On emails we send to Wanda and her crew, we sign my name and Pauline’s name (i.e. The Jaxster and Pauline). Although Pauline was Wanda’s first contact person, she still has not addressed any emails to myself, and that in itself bothers me. But what has really gotten under my skin is in the last two emails Wanda has sent, she has addressed the messages as Pauline et al.

Et al?!?! Are you kidding me? There aren’t six or seven other people that are working with Pauline. There is one and it’s me! My full name consists of six letters. Is she so lazy that she can only type four? Or is she blantantly being obnoxious? Because I already have this great dislike for the woman, I prefer to choose the latter. It angers me that this woman who I already have issues with is so rude. We do not sign the emails “Pauline et al.”

So what did I do?

I emailed her back as “Wanda et al.”

And if she does it one more time, I am just going to email her “et al.,” and write the message. Although I think the best way to communicate with this aggravating woman is to just not email her at all and say cie la vie. Wanda et al., which will now be her permanent nickname until she pulls a bigger and better stunt, will have to direct all of her communications via email to Pauline. Poor Pauline.

In the meantime, I hope she has a very lovely Thanksgiving and for her own safety, she should probably not venture out where there are buses, though that would entertain me to no extent. So Wanda et al., if you are out there and reading this, I hope your holiday is a smash hit. Literally.

Rivers Cuomo: Shave the Stache!

2008-11-25T08:48:00.010-05:00

Over the years, I have enjoyed listening to Weezer's variety of music. Even though the old stuff is continually repeated over and over on the radio night and day (*cough cough* The Sweater Song *cough cough*), these songs are catchy and I have to admit I can't stop listening to them. Especially their newer music, which has more of a pop like sound.

But it's not Weezer's music that led me to post this blog. No, it came from watching Weezer's latest music videos for the songs "Troublemaker" and "Pork and Beans." These catchy songs always stop me from changing the station in the rare chance I am listening in the car. The music videos are funny, and of course I enjoy the music. But apparently I have not been in the loop for a while because there sang Rivers Cuomo with a mustache!

I remember when he sang about being Buddy Holly looking like a baby-faced celebrity. Ever since then, that is what the lead singer of Weezer has looked to me. So imagine my surprise when the lead singer is sporting a stache. At first I didn't believe that the lead singer was actually Cuomo. "Official" music video? Who's pulling my leg? But then I watched another music video. Then I did the almighty google images search. Low and behold the baby-faced Cuomo had turned into a mustache monster!

So even though you may think that this is a nothing post, I think I can make a good argument for Rivers Cuomo to shave the stache. So Rivers, if you are out there, and if you can here me, I'm here to help you buddy!

1.) Mustaches aren't for young people. I know that Cuomo isn't still a 21 year old, but when I think of mustaches, I think of college professors, or teachers. And usually this mustache is attached to a beard. And then you could be Santa Claus! I still see Cuomo as a young person because he's rockin' out in a popular band of today. Maybe Aerosmith can grow a stache, he's old enough to be able to do that now, right?

2.) Mustaches aren't really attractive: This pretty much goes with the first one. Mustaches make older gents look distinguished, especially if they have a beard. However, the mustache alone makes some guys look like pervs from the 70's. The baby-faced look, or even the almost Kurt Cobain look with the longer unkempt hair is more attractive that just having a stache.

3.) Is it a guy thing? I know that when we were all young and in middle school or even high school, a lot of the guys wanted to grow a beard, a mustache, a goatee, or some combination of the three. But I think that this experimental stage is over guys, especially after high school. Congratulations. You have shown the word that you can grow hair on your face. Some girls can do that without even trying. I think the accomplishment of going to Harvard is way more satisfying than growing a stache.

So, River, if you're out there, I hope you take heed to my "unsound" words. Go back to Beverly Hills and shave the stache. The Beverly Hills look is great on you.

Kid Arrested... For Farting.

2008-11-24T22:25:00.047-05:00

"STUART, Fla. (AP) - A student at a Florida school has been arrested after authorities said he was "passing gas" and turning off his classmates' computers. According to a report released Friday by the Martin County Sheriff's Office, the 13-year-old boy "continually disrupted his classroom environment" by intentionally breaking wind. He then shut off some computers other students were using." - AP, 11/24/08; (Full Story)

In high school, I recall several instances in which students would fight, and receive detention, or threaten an instructor or even vandalize school property, and be suspended for a week or two. Never, at any point in my academic career, was a student scolded, let alone penalized, for a normal bodily function. Despite its intentionality, you'd imagine any other instructor would have, at most, escorted the disruptive student to the Principal's office, and perhaps have them sent home for the day or week after receiving a healthy dose of after-school detention. But no, not in Stuart Florida. They'll immediately resort to the police.

Yes, it's gross, and yes, it's definitely disruptive, but was there no alternative method to dealing with the situation? Are there some facts of this story that we're missing? Did the kid commit these "heinous" crimes while holding the class hostage with automatic weaponry, or perhaps some incredibly complex explosive device? Was he wielding a lighter while threateningly expelling those methane gases? Was he somehow endangering the welfare of the other students? No. He was farting. Perhaps it was the student "shut[ting] off some computers other students were using" that was the last straw. But, really, why did the only reasonable method the teacher could possibly devise involve the police? Is this too many questions for one paragraph?

If I recall correctly, it's a criminal act to call in phony crimes. While I really am quite surprised that the police were contacted in this instance, I'm even more surprised the police willingly went and arrested the kid. At least this 13-year-old will go down as a legend to his peers, as he even managed to make national headline news. Though, it was likely the ridiculous nature of this whole scenario that caused it to become a headline story in the AP news wire anyway.

Nevertheless, I find it simultaneously depressing and hilarious that this was the definitive course of action. Apparently in Stuart Florida, "Flatulence doesn't pay."

New York State of Mind

2008-11-24T22:01:00.023-05:00

In high school, I recall several instances in which students would fight, and receive detention, or threaten an instructor or even vandalize school property, and be suspended for a week or two. Never, at any point in my academic career, was a student scolded, let alone penalized, for a normal bodily function. Despite its intentionality, you'd imagine any other instructor would have, at most, escorted the disruptive student to the Principal's office, and perhaps have them sent home for the day or week after receiving a healthy dose of after-school detention. But no, not in Stuart Florida. They'll immediately resort to the police.

Yes, it's gross, and yes, it's definitely disruptive, but was there no alternative method to dealing with the situation? Are there some facts of this story that we're missing? Did the kid commit these "heinous" crimes while holding the class hostage with automatic weaponry, or perhaps some incredibly complex explosive device? Was he wielding a lighter while threateningly expelling those methane gases? Was he somehow endangering the welfare of the other students? No. He was farting. Perhaps it was the student "shut[ting] off some computers other students were using" that was the last straw. But, really, why did the only reasonable method the teacher could possibly devise involve the police? Is this too many questions for one paragraph?

If I recall correctly, it's a criminal act to call in phony crimes. While I really am quite surprised that the police were contacted in this instance, I'm even more surprised the police willingly went and arrested the kid. At least this 13-year-old will go down as a legend to his peers, as he even managed to make national headline news. Though, it was likely the ridiculous nature of this whole scenario that caused it to become a headline story in the AP news wire anyway.

Nevertheless, I find it simultaneously depressing and hilarious that this was the definitive course of action. Apparently in Stuart Florida, "Flatulence doesn't pay."

Do Your Job

2008-11-23T11:45:00.015-05:00

Have you ever had to deal with someone who hated their job?

Of course you have! I have had jobs in the past that I loathed showing up to. But I don't recall ever sharing my hatred of retail with the customers who shopped there. Which is why I would love to rant about those who hate their jobs, but spread this hate to their customers. You know what I mean; these are the workers who hate their jobs but don't actually perform the responsibilities they are getting paid to complete.

My story begins at an institution for education. Within this institution is an office which I have to continually deal with (unfortunately). At this office, about 99% of the people who work there hate their lives and spread this animosity to those who have to be there, since the program requires students to interact with this office. Not doing your job is one thing, but to be completely rude is another. On days they need to be open, they are closed. When I try to ask about why certain sections of the office as closed when they should be open, I am completely ignored. When I follow the rules and ask those who work in the office to do easy tasks that are required of them, I am talked to as if I am a toddler who just spilt milk on a brand new carpet.

The biggest problem is they need to revamp their entire staff so that they can hire responsible, polite people who will complete all tasks required of them without bitching and acting rude to those who don't work there. However, if they tried to get people like that, I would be more than qualified. But I think if I began to work there, I would become what I absolutely hate. So instead, I plead all of you:

Do you job. Suck it up. Try to be civil, try.

Ready, Aim, [and light your husband on] Fire!

2008-11-22T14:35:00.012-05:00

"GAINESVILLE, Ga. – An Army wife accused of setting her apartment on fire botched an attempt to collect on her husband's $400,000 insurance policy when he survived and her two children died instead, a federal prosecutor said." - AP, 11/22/08; (Full Story)

Wow. I always figured soldiers should be most concerned about their enemies abroad... I never even considered their own wives. Then again, I always thought cars, homes, and businesses were usually what you'd burn for insurance money, so I never thought about burning an army husband.

Despite a crumbling economy, I really can't believe a woman would attempt to trade in her husband and home for $400,000. Admittedly, it's a large sum of money, but I've never seen anyone so willingly throw a price tag on something like that. Unfortunately, though, she ended up trading in two of her three children and her home for a trial and jail time.

I really don't understand how she thought all of that would work out. I can understand the motive, but why on earth would she leave the children in the apartment?

Gasoline had apparently been poured in the living room, and smoke detectors were removed. She also had second and third-degree burns "consistent with someone who set a fire." Essentially, she did it, and they can prove it. It clearly wasn't accidental, she was at the scene, and had the motive.

It's also worth noting that her husband is supporting her in court! What the hell is wrong with people these days? Hopefully she'll get what she deserves.

Sunken Pirate Ship? Arrrrr...gh.

2008-11-21T13:22:00.008-05:00

"An Indian navy warship has destroyed a suspected Somali pirate vessel after it came under attack in the Gulf of Aden." - BBC News, 11/19/08; (Full Story)

Pirates 0, Ninjas 1.

We're Back!

2008-11-20T17:50:00.005-05:00

Until we get our other site up and running, I decided to go ahead and revive this blog for awhile, since I wholeheartedly miss complaining about everything. And now since I can blog about anything from anywhere, I could only imagine this getting quite interesting. I'll also be trying to highlight a different band each week, hopefully with the help of a good friend!

Stay tuned for some new rants, raves, and... well, more rants.

Oh, and music.

Used Car Dealers

2007-03-22T15:39:00.001-04:00

With the recent death of my vehicle I figured I needed to go buy a "new" one. I found one I liked but it was out of my price range. As I turned with disappointment I saw a marching salesman coming toward me and my mother. We tried to get away. The faster we walked, the faster he came. Then we were surrounded, stuck, like a baby rat inside a fetus. I failed to see where I had stupid tattooed on my forehead but I obviously must have.

Your Hero (Thats me): "So this car is worth 13Gs?"

Bastard (salesman): "Yep, check it on Kelly Blue Book. Its a really reliable guide. We encourage our customers to use it to find prices before they come here."

Your Hero: "Thats funny, the Kelly Blue Book value states that this car is only worth $12500 in excellent condition, this needs new tires, a battery, and their seems to be scratches along the bottom. This is probably a good, so even if you gave me the new tires I wouldn't pay more than 12 5."

Bastard: "I agree it is good, but I cant go lower than 13. Plus the blue book is just a guide."

Your Hero: "So let me get this straight, Kelly Blue Book doesn't mean shit, but you encourage your customers to use it, then you agree about the condition of the vehicle and charge higher?"

My Mother: "I don't know...." This is where she gets cut off by the Bastard

Bastard: "Well you see..." Then I get to be a prick and cut him off

Your Hero: "Don't cut my mother off in the middle of a sentence, you will show her respect. I will make you a deal. When your willing to sell the car at $12500 with tires, batteries, and fixings all the crap I wrote down on this list, call me."

I want some used car salesman to read this and explain why these guys are so full of shit. I'm dead serious about that. If any one reads this blog and is or knows a car salesman, I want to talk to them on a personal basis. Please, I think understanding this mind will be a help to society. Some people help sick children, some look for cures for cancer, I try to understand the
most degenerate aspect of human society, the used car salesman.

University Food

2007-02-23T00:56:00.000-05:00

So I was on a covert operation reconnaissance mission to obtain a top secret recipe from the Cooper dining hall located at the heart of the SUNY Oswego campus. After digging a tunnel through our eleven feet of snow, and then attempting to sneak past the enemy soldiers (the only one, dubbed "The Little Card Swiper," on duty was too busy playing a game of Sudoku to notice myself tumbling out of the elevator). I made my way into the back of the kitchen, and found a top-secret recipe book. Lucky for you, I'll list out a complicated and classified recipe now:

2 Eggs
40 Crushed Tablets of Laxatives

Who would have thought? Their secret ingredient that makes their eggs all slimy and gross both going in and coming out is just a dangerous overdose of a laxative supplement! How silly of me to assume it was life threatening that students eating at the SUNY Oswego dining halls actually have a better chance of getting molested in public by Santa Clause while getting a vasectomy by an untrained drunken elderly midget in a diaper than shitting anything even remotely solid. And yes, I know it's hard to digest (pun intended) that Santa Clause is indeed real. The rest is all a true yet sad, sad story.

Well, Pepto-Bismol, you win. Your apparent corporate alliance with the administration of this "prestigious" school has finally peaked. I will buy you in bulk so long as I don't have to sing the song.

Yeah! F*** the Troops!

2007-02-17T22:46:00.001-05:00

My first roommate in college (and a very good friend!) recently sent me a link to http://www.petitiononline.com/fbftt/petition.html which is a petition to Facebook.com to remove groups such as the "Fuck our Soldiers." He asked me to sign it. Being in the Army my self i decided to not blindly sign this petition but look into it. The first group I looked up was the "Fuck the Troops," which is a very clever name and has a description of:

"The troops are not all they are cracked up to be. If you knew some of them, and/or weren't an idiot, you'd have a very different opinion. America's heroes? My ass."

A very strong statement. They obviously have meet many soldiers. Probably more than me. It's a good thing I have this group creator around to tell me about the people I lived with during basic training and spent a large majority of my time with. The group creator looks like a good guy. Hes an alumni who spends him time on facebook creating groups instead of doing something productive like... voting?

Another very cleverly named group (Fuck the Troops) is posted their. This guy is so into "Fucking the troops" that he wont even put some sort of picture up! Okay, you're right, that doesn't realy matter. How important are pictures any way? Its not like they informed us of catastrophic events such as the holocaust, hurricane katrina, or the attacks on the world trade centers. Yeah, picutures arent important at all. I then went to check the facebook profile of the creator. For the record, if you are going to be a political activist and a leader, dont put out public pictures that make you look like a moron. My mistake... pictures don't matter.

I then stumbled along the greatest facebook group on the planet. "I'm Glad 9/11 Happened" I cant even comprehend that some one would post a group on Facebook like that. What kind of sick person likes the idea that suicide bombers that flew 747's into buildings killing thousands of innocent civilians. "9/11 was a Jewish conspiracy" is the most recent news post. Is any one else confused? I looked into it and checked out the picture of the creator. I know we decided that they dont matter at all but I will post it here for you to see. This kid is a real winner. Granted, my facebook picture isent the best but Im not making a statment saying im glad that all those people died. I can't even continue to write about this, so let's just move on.

After reading about all of these groups I decided that, as a soldier, it is my job to protect these degenerate morons and their "freedom of speech". Its safe to say that they're on the far end of the bell curve with the ostrich and will, ideally, soon be extinct. But, I guess I will save their lives if comes down to it. Well, that is if i don't have anything better to do. If i have to choose between eating a piece of cheese cake and saving their lives... cheese cake is delicious... but yes, fuck our troops! Fuck me! Fuck the regular army, who helps make advancements in science (don't make me break out examples), the army reserve, which allows people who want to serve and live civilian lives, and the national guard, who decided to help out and dig out my college town of Oswego after roughly one-billion feet of snow. However, in the end I could not bring my self to sign the petition. It would be un-American of me to hinder their freedom of speech. Even if it is stupid and uneducated.

Disney Channel Movies

2007-01-12T13:37:00.000-05:00

Call me a dork, but I'm still in love with the show Boy Meets World, which happens to pop on between Disney Channel and ABC Family, which fortunately for me, allows me to see all the previews for upcoming made-for-TV movies that premiere on Disney Channel. However, there is a truly irritating trend that occurs in each one.

The most popular of these is called "High School Musical," which is about a boy who is the captain of his basketball team under the coaching of his father, and happens to love singing, so he tries out for the school musical. His basketball team is angered, though, since his dedication is now split between two things, and he's not playing as well, or even showing up to practice. And, of course, throw in the fact that there's an upcoming championship on the same day as the musical! Luckily, he figures out a plot to deal with both, and his basketball team/father attend the musical, and of course they win the championship.

This brings me to another one titled "Eddie's Million Dollar Cook-Off," which involved a boy on a baseball team who absolutely loved cooking! His father was also the baseball coach, but he simply loved cooking so much that his devotion was split between the two, causing him to not play as well or simply not show up. He was then torn between the two activities, and the cook-off, which he was invited to, and his baseball championship happened to fall on the same day. Oh, no! The team watches the championship on TV, and his father comes and helps him with the cook-off. Yippee!

Now for the newest one entitled "Jump In," which is about a boy who's a boxer under his father's training attempting to win the "golden gloves" in a championship that his family has won for generations, however, he's invited to a jump-roping team that does double-dutch! Oh, joy! I'm sure you could guess the plot after that.

What's next? A basketball player who's also a leprechaun? Oh, wait, they ALREADY DID THAT, TOO! Who the hell comes up with this stuff?

Fergalicious!

2007-01-10T19:02:00.000-05:00

On the radio recently (in a friends car, so I couldn't escape it), I couldn't help but hear this horrible tune that embodies everything that music should never be. "Fergie Fergalicious" by Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas. This song has topped off at #9 on the US Pop Charts fairly recently, which is sort of disturbing. Is this truly the type of music that a large majority of the US people believe is good? I asked many people about how they felt about this style of music, and they claim it's all about the lyrics... so here's a snippit of the song:

"Fergalicious def-, Fergalicious def-, Fergalicious def-
Fergalicious definition make them boys go crazy
They always claim they know me
Comin' to me call me Stacy (Hey Stacy)
I'm the F to the E, R, G the I the E
And can't no other lady put it down like me"

Amazing. It's nice to know she's such a fantastic lyricist. At least she can spell her funky nickname out loud, right? It's almost as bad as "My Humps," which was also a chart-topper. Or perhaps as hideous as Fergie herself.

I don't understand what happened to good music.