Driving under His influence... and a Buffalo suicide  

Driving around my hometown is usually a pain in the ass. That's right, I said it. People either drive under the speed limit in front of you, or are trying to drive 20 miles over the speed limit and into your back seat. Today I had a minor incident with a minivan, with whom I assumed was a stay-at-home mother who needs to drive like an asshole to see some action in her life. However, I was sadly mistaken. The obnoxious driver turned out to be none other than a nun.

That's right. A nun. I always pictured nuns to be little old docile women who worshipped God first and foremost and spread peace to those who needed it. Maybe I was thinking about Mother Theresa a little too much, because I don't think Mother Theresa would have tried to played bumper tag with me for those couple of miles.

Apparently there is nothing worse than a nun in a minivan. I will set the scence by starting out with this escapade on a five lane highway. I was in the passing lane as I had just turned on to this five lane road. The minivan (I did not know it was a nun at the time) was following some car a little too closely in the right-hand lane. So what does this lady of God do? Attempts to pass the car by trying to drive into my back seat. Now at this point I am going over the speed limit to both bypass the slowpoke in the right-hand lane, and to get this minivan off my taillights.

Succeeding in at least passing the slowpoke, I pull into the right-hand lane, and the damn minivan does the same, still tailgating my back bumper. If I had known it was a nun at the time, I might have stopped short and then expected her to perform a miracle to fix my car, or at least get her Church to pay for damages.

Now we are coming to a light at a four-way intersection that has been previously mentioned already in this blog. This is why I can truly say driving in this town is ridiculous. But moving on... There are still two lanes, so I move into the passing lane as the light turns red. This is out of courtesy for other drivers since the right-hand lane gets an arrow to turn right and I was hoping the minivan from hell (or Heaven) would just turn and leave me alone. But it doesn't. There is no way I think this minivan is a nun because don't nuns put others in front of themselves? Aren't they selfless? And since when do nuns drive? (That's just my quip though) So now this minivan is blocking the right arrow for the cars behind her that actually want to turn right.

Finally the light turns green and I gun it. It's a minivan, what minivans can gun it? My lane turns into a turn-left-only lane so I have to move it and move it fast to get back in front of the aggravating minivan and to my surprise and more aggravation the damn woman guns it so I can't get in front of her. Of course I am not speeding up to turn left. I give her enough credit to understand that. Okay, you've won, I think to myself as I slow down and try to get behind her.

This is the beautiful part, and I mean this in the most sarcastic way possible. SHE SLOWS DOWN because she is going to turn into the Catholic School that it only a little bit farther on the right hand side. THAT was when I noticed she was a nun. I was so surprised that I couldn't help but laugh. I just can't get over the fact that a nun was a horrible driver, but I guess there is much less that they do know but I won't get into that or my views of Catholicism just because one measly nun can't drive a minivan. Next time she should just fly. Get that goofy hat and away we go!

Now, if you can get passed my blatant bigotry of nuns and Catholicism, and are a football fan, this might be a little entertaining. Once we bipassed the nun, we came to another intersection, this time a three road intersection. There was a man standing in the middle of two roads, sectioned off by grass, and he looked like he was waiting to cross. Of course our light is red and he has all the time in the world to do so. But he doesn't. He's just standing there looking down the road we were sitting on. That's when I noticed the Buffalo Bills winter hat he was wearing. Not that disappointment and failure are new to Buffalo fans, I know I'm one of them, but the way he was looking at the road, and the cars that passed, this man looked as if he was ready to throw himself in front of an on coming car. First I was hoping he wouldn't just in front of my car, and secondly I was hoping he wasn't going to jump at all. There's always next year, pal. Just blame Losman and move on.