So I was on a covert operation reconnaissance mission to obtain a top secret recipe from the Cooper dining hall located at the heart of the SUNY Oswego campus. After digging a tunnel through our eleven feet of snow, and then attempting to sneak past the enemy soldiers (the only one, dubbed "The Little Card Swiper," on duty was too busy playing a game of Sudoku to notice myself tumbling out of the elevator). I made my way into the back of the kitchen, and found a top-secret recipe book. Lucky for you, I'll list out a complicated and classified recipe now:
- 2 Eggs
- 40 Crushed Tablets of Laxatives
Who would have thought? Their secret ingredient that makes their eggs all slimy and gross both going in and coming out is just a dangerous overdose of a laxative supplement! How silly of me to assume it was life threatening that students eating at the SUNY Oswego dining halls actually have a better chance of getting molested in public by Santa Clause while getting a
vasectomy by an untrained drunken elderly
midget in a diaper than shitting anything even
remotely solid. And yes, I know it's hard to digest (pun intended) that
Santa Clause is indeed real. The rest is all a true yet sad, sad story.
Well,
Pepto-Bismol, you win. Your apparent corporate alliance with the administration of this "prestigious" school has finally peaked. I will buy you in bulk so long as I don't have to
sing the song.
